1. Tony Stark sits on the bench in his living room, his sleeves are rolled up, his tie is loosened but still tied (not a bow tie either, I want a real tie). There are empty bottles on trays, a pretty girl asleep and facing away from us on the far end of the couch. There are a variety of party-goers littered in a cordon around the room, standing and sitting. His drink is just near his lips.
Tony: It’s a funny thing that people think I’m just some drunken boob when I’m not covered in an alloy.
Caption: He’s drinking Shirley Temples; only a few would know that.
Caption: I’ve been behind this curtain, though. Many times.
2. Tony is pouring more vermouth (or so it would appear) into his glass, he looks laid back, but the smile is most certainly gone.
Tony: And I might just be, but with my levels of money I’m the most powerful drunk you’ll ever meet, so no one leaves this room until I find out what happened.
Caption: I know what happened.
3. Tony walks over to the sleeping girl on the end of the couch and we see that half her face is singed off, a repulsor ray has gone straight across her head. Tony’s back is to most of the crowd, and he does not look happy at all.
Caption: I saw it all. I could speak up but what would then stop her from killing me?
4. Tony has turned around and is throwing his glass down on the ground, his face is pure anger. We see a discarded Iron Man wrist and hand set, kind of like a gauntlet, alone on the floor, discarded, pushed away once its use was accomplished.
Tony: This does not happen in my house. This does not happen with my things!
Caption: She didn’t need the glove to get the job done; I know that much. She could handle me quite easily, maybe even Stark himself outside of his suit.
5. Tony is picking up the gauntlet.
Tony: Someone in this room’s laughing at me. Someone’s laughing sick and I just won’t stand that.
Caption: He’ll have to do it quickly because I’m pretty sure the bomb attached to my thorax is going to go off no matter what he finds out.
6. We see a pretty young girl, black hair in a sort of middle-part flick, like Vera Farmiga in Up In The Air. She is sitting back in the couch among the other guests and she looks sad.
Caption: I’m going to die tonight, that’s for sure, it’s simply a matter of how many I take out with me.
Caption: I don’t want to kill anyone, but that little part inside me does. It’s tricky fighting a war within yourself. You’re always going to lose.
This would be the very first page of a new issue of a new arc. It puts Tony Stark in the spotlight and leads the story into a more procedural, nourish, territory. Something just a little different, something stand alone.
I figure the next page would be a half splash page of an exterior shot of the house, cars parked outside, the sun just on its last setting legs. It’s a laid back Silver Age feel through sepia tones. We get credits.
Tony Stark in ‘Murder Calls For The Iron Man’
The bottom half of the page would have Tony putting on the gauntlet and pouring another drink. The inspector is settling in. Then we make with the inevitable flash back. We need to find out more about this mysterious lady/ladies on his couch…
Tony's monologue seems a bit forced (his first two lines, especially), but otherwise an interesting idea.ReplyDelete
Hey Forte Dante, thanks for the comment. I can see what you say as well, something to take on board for future scripts.ReplyDelete
Thanks for taking the time and leaving a comment, I hope you'll stick around and check out the others scripts from the other lads. Cheers.
I dunno, I think the opening dialogue works perfectly - Tony's speaking to the party-goers, and presumably his intent is to spark a reaction, to find answers. That being the case, he's going to elucidate his words and carefully select his phrasing; I love that line, "I'm the most powerful drunk you'll ever meet."ReplyDelete
This is a great teaser for a story, Ryan - - it feels fresh, not like an archetypal Iron Man story. You've set a high standard for subsequent scripts!
Ohh, a locked room mystery and a ticking time bomb, I can dig this. Nice idea, Ryan.ReplyDelete
Two things that got my attention:
In the first panel "Caption: I’ve been behind this curtain, though. Many times." It took me out of the script for a second, because I read that in the most literal way. I read it again, and I got it, but it's something to think of. Can a phrase confuse readers?
The second thing was, in panel two, "Tony: And I might just be, but with my levels of money I’m the most powerful drunk you’ll ever meet, so no one leaves this room until I find out what happened." Those are two very powerful statements, but they are linked by the "so", which I think weaken the strength of the words being uttered by Tony. In my mind, that should be two different (though maybe linked) speech bubbles so each sentence could carry the authoritative strength that Tony is imposing on the party goers. Think about when you are trying to impose order on an unruly group, do you speak in long and linked sentences, or in short and powerful ones?
I don't know about perfectly, but reading it a second time, it just needs a little tweaking to sound a little more natural. I agree with the previous commenter's suggestions.ReplyDelete
And sure, I'll stick around, this seems like a fun experiment. Might even play along and post my own like the words above this little box suggests.
I love this. brilliant pacing, dialogue and panel descriptions. the only thing that I was a bit iffy on was tony saying 'drunken boob', something that doesn't sound like Tony Stark. but then I thought about it and really if you're playing yourself up you'd say how OTHER people would describe ya. so... basically I love it!ReplyDelete
Great script, Ryan. It really did pull me in and along. I won't repeat what other people have said, but I'd like to add that in the sixth panel, you've got two captions, and I think you only need one.ReplyDelete
"Caption: I’m going to die tonight, that’s for sure, it’s simply a matter of how many I take out with me."
is a much better button to the scene, and doesn't reveal as much about this narrator. I think that we will learn later in the hypothetical issue that this character is fighting a war with himself, and I'd rather find this out as we get to know the character than be told this on the first page.
Alright, some serious discussion that will, presumably, make me a slightly better writer. Thanks one and all.ReplyDelete
@Forte - I think you just need to read it one more time, you'll see it's perfect, ha. Nah, I really take this comments on board and everyone's got a few good suggestions up your sleeve. Would love to have a few play at home contestants, so please, do as the text above the little box says (just glad someone's noticed that already!)
@Simon - thanks for the high praise, I did want to do something different from the standard Iron Man, not sure if successful but this site is all about trying. I doubt my bar is raised that high, it's be leapt before the week is through, surely.
@Matt - man, you really are a good editor. I gotta get you to read some of my other stuff, you know how to cut it down easily and with purpose. Golden, man, golden.
@Flip - thanks man, I wanted Tony kind of hamming it up. Putting on a show for the rubes, kind of thing.
@James - thanks for the look and comment, bro. You make a good point about trying to end that scene as strongly as possible. I even think that last caption could be moved to the next page to have more effect on the turn. Cheers, man, and thanks one and all.
What a way to kick this revolution off, thanks.
First of all long time reader first time poster.ReplyDelete
Congratulations and good luck on this new venture.
Now... Tony Stark is the most interesting (in my humble opinion) hero so kudos on that decision!!!!
However being a fascinating character doesn't make him 'easy' to write. The writer has to make him interesting EVERY SINGLE time they put pen to paper.
You have a definite vibe about the scene and considering we are dealing in dialogue I think you done a very good job of setting an intriguing introduction and definitely have me hooked to find out the outcome!
Well Done! Looking forward to reading the ‘others’ take on the tin man!
I quite like this one, mysterious and alluring. Although I agree with Max about the boob thing, and somehow I feel like he would be more shocked than angry about what happened.ReplyDelete
Other than that, good start! :)
Ryan, I thought it was great. Although I have not read many Iron Man comics pre-Civil War, the anger at something like this happening inTOny's house was a great angle to come from.ReplyDelete
Also loved the duel dialogue you've got going, giving us two hooks for to coming story. Great stuff.
I basically love this. I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said, but this is a very strong first outing my friend. My own pales in comparison haha.ReplyDelete
Taking a quick break from my holiday to read the first few scripts.ReplyDelete
Ryan, I love how you took the chance to play to your love of noir, both in the choice of a detective story (with a killer opening) and the DOA-style "bomb attached to my thorax" stuff from the villain. Excellent choice of femme fatale too - Vera Parmiga would ace this role.
Would love to see where this story goes, there's no higher compliment. And I could hear the "drunken boob" line coming out of RDJr Stark, if not every version of the comic hero... but that's purely because he's been written by so many different writers, all with a slightly different slant.