The Premise: I love Blonde Phantom and tried to crack out a worthy script. Didn't have enough time, so here's a fun one-page story involving ANONYMOUS DRUGS where some boxes are labelled SOAP.
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Page 1 - 7 Panels
1-- A Maggia family thug is in a doorway, yelling towards the reader. He should probably looks pretty plain, as I don't think crimelord lackeys would be conspicuous when smuggling [ANONYMOUS DRUG]. It's important to note now that everything in all these panels needs to look quite dark and very much 'noir' (however you quantify noir qualities in comic book form. I myself think of dark and serious looking art, but I'm not an artist so I won't directly define such a quality), unless stated otherwise.
SPEECH BUBBLE/MAGGIA THUG - How did YOU get in here?!
2-- We look out from his POV into the room, a poorly lit warehouse with crates in disarray on the floor. One is opened, with [ANONYMOUS DRUG] contained within. Standing next to the crate is a shadowy figure, of whom we can only see two things: her silhouette (which is holding a crowbar), and her iconic costume... It's Blonde Phantom, if that helps on the artistic side of things.
SPEECH BUBBLE/BLONDE PHANTOM - Oh, me? I'm a detective, I know how to find out things. Things like drug smuggling operations by that DASTARDLY Maggia family, where those drug smuggling operations take place, and how to stop the criminals in their tracks.
3-- We should probably switch to a view that suitably emphasises both characters here, like a nice 'Two-Shot' as the people in the film world would call it. Blonde Phantom should be on the left, with her Crowbar-less hand up to her head in dismay at the foolish words of the Maggia Thug. The Maggia Thug is laughing now, and pointing a sub-machine gun at the Blonde Phantom.
SPEECH BUBBLE/MAGGIA THUG - YOU?! Stop ME? HA! I'd like to see you manage that in your ridiculous outfit, you frail, pathetic little girl!
4-- Same sorta shot for consistency here. The Blonde Phantom has now leapt towards the Thug, and has swung her foot high into the air, stilleto first, straight up. Her dress should really be billowing now, to create an almost majestic image of a heroine flying towards her prey in action. The Maggia Thug has flung his weapon to the side in shock and is covering his face, flinching.
SPEECH BUBBLE[small]/MAGGIA THUG - Eep!
5-- We change view to POV again, as the Blonde Phantom looms over the Thug (presumably because he has fallen to the floor and is looking up at her. Her leg is now resting on top of one of the BOXES of [ANONYMOUS DRUG], delightfully labeled "SOAP". She has a smirk, a raised eyebrow and most importantly is now entirely visible in her full glory.
SPEECH BUBBLE/BLONDE PHANTOM - I may well be the best dressed detective-slash-masked heroine that anyone has just about ever heard of, but I'm also strong-willed, intelligent, and most importantly...
6-- A nice cartoony panel of Blonde Phantom, yelling, doing an exaggerated uppercut, absolutely destroying the mouth and teeth of the Maggia Thug. It'd be best if this was as goreless as possible, if only to avoid it making her seem ridiculously strong(er than how I perceive her in my heart). A multi-coloured explosion behind this thematically opposed action shot would probably be best-suited to the situation.
SPEECH BUBBLE/BLONDE PHANTOM - BAD-ASS!!!
7-- The reader is now looking down at the warehouse floor, with the Maggia Thug sprawled out on the floor and the Blonde Phantom with her shoulders slumped, looking down.
SPEECH BUBBLE/BLONDE PHANTOM - Aw, sneezes, I can't interrogate a man with a broken jaw!
[Author's note: This is probably the worst of my script ideas so far. I've been incredibly busy and have only had time to throw out 5 basic scripts for this week (FIVE?!), 4 of which I've picked to take more time on and release as B-sides on my site. So look forward to those!]
Is it bad that I see the uppercut scene rendered manga-style ala FLCL? With a lil chibi-Phantom and chibi-thug, and the thug has X's for eyes? Cuz that's totally what I'm getting. And I like it. I don't find this one weak at all. It spotlights the character, lets us know her deal, and injects some humor so we know that while she dishes out the pain, she doesn't take herself too seriously. I like it.
ReplyDeleteI think my hatred of this is mostly aftereffect from when I recently ran out of anti-anxietants, but I think when it comes to writing about a character so cherished by me I become my own worst critic ahaha.
ReplyDeleteAnd DING DING DING, bonus points for FLCL, which was a fair inspiration in me working out that panel (seriously I had to re-read the manga to get what I was thinking of down in any way at all)
I don't mind this script at all, Max. It's got a good flow and is a perfect introduction to her. Your dialogue feels very golden age, and expository. The first bubble from her seems like it would possibly work better as a thought balloons because it's pretty hefty.
ReplyDeleteI love her final line, 'aw, sneezes', golden.
Cannot wait to see some b-sides, get 'em going and get 'em up, my good man.
Thanks for kicking off this week so well.
Hey, I think it's a great script. Obscure characters need good introductions, and this lets us know from the start what's the Blonde Phantom all about. Great work.
ReplyDeleteMax, I know someone has brought it up before, but I'll say it again, at the risk of sounding harsh/stern: you need to start owning up to what you write. If you go up to an editor, and tell him that this is not your best work, then why is that editor going to bother with you? He's going to find someone else that truly believes they are doing their best work. I mean, there was no need for you to go first, if you felt you needed more time you could have waited until later in the week, and still hit the deadline, you know?
ReplyDeleteI agree, I want to see Max come out of the bag next week with the most arrogant and bombastic script, and lead in he can find. Self-deprecation will only get you a laugh and some pity, telling people you are the best, and repeating it, will eventually convince them, Goebbles style :)
ReplyDelete@matt&Ryan oh man it is ON, now! Next week I will become the biggest jerk possible and beat my self-deprecating style DOWN! Then we'll see who's laughing!... Well, probably none of us, it's hard to be funny and cocky at the same ti- NO SELF DEPRECATION DELETE SENTENCE BEGIN ANEW!
ReplyDeleteBut yeah it doesn't help me any to hate stuff I do. It's an attitude I'd never take in the actual industry and I should reflect that in this project. thoughts duly noted and being acted upon
I liked it. As Ryan says, the overblown dialogue is fitting for a Golden Age homage, but the Bad Ass line break us out of that with a smile.
ReplyDelete