Friday, July 23, 2010

The Penguin - Are Penguins Furry? - Max Barnard

The Premise: You wanted confidence? I'm giving you confidence in the SCARIEST WAY, as I exploit those most terrifying of internet people, furries and otherkin. Not because I hate them (though my opinion of these people is more than a little bit in the disgust category), but because this story just came to me on Monday morning, as I contemplated whether I could use some free time on my week off of writing to.. write. So here's a story about Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot, finally finding that place he TRULY belongs.


Page 1 - X Panels

1-- A close-up of Penguins face from the nose up. His brow is furrowed, in a way that could potentially be read as angry, to build up the expectations of the reader.

TEXT BOX/PENGUIN - No, no, this isn't right at all...

2-- We move back to see Oswald at a computer in a dark room, frantically typing away with a cigarette in his mouth and his top hat falling off of his head. He isn't wearing ANYTHING else, so make sure he's as disgusting, wide, riddled with cellulite and wrinkly as possible. Oh and sweaty, I'm sure someone out there will hate us for that, so have rivulets of thick sweat running down his hideous rotund form. We want to be giving people nightmares with this image!


3-- We're now looking over the Penguin's shoulder at his computer. On the screen is a character creation screen for a game called FURQUEST (drop this in at the top of the screen. In fact if you're looking for a frame of reference for the screen itself, try looking at character creation screens from such games as World of Warcraft. It's the kind of shut-in vibe I'm going for here). The character pictured on screen is a horrific sight: a giant anthropomorphised Penguin-man/woman with ridiculous muscles, to the extent that its flippers look like bulging, Liefeldian biceps. It's wearing a tank-top to cover it's hideously oversized breasts, which are almost as big as the rest of the character. Between the monstrosity's legs is a MASSIVE BLACK CENSORSHIP BAR, with CENSORED in big white letters running along it. I don't think you need to know what this implies, but rest assured that by the standards of the community I'm light-heartedly mocking it's tame.


4-- I'm sure you're beginning to feel sick at this point, so be glad this is the final panel. We're now only viewing the screen, which is displaying the aforementioned fur-futa-penguin... THING standing in a crowd of similar creatures, namely Foxes, Cat-people and some sort of reptile. Try to have one of them giving an incredibly uncomfortable arse shot facing the reader. In the bottom left corner is a chat box, containing such generic sentiments as "a/s/l", "lololololol" and "roflcopter".


TEXT BOX/PENGUIN - I've finally found a place I truly belong, where no-one will think I'm disgusting!* HUAGH!

TEXT BOX/EDITOR'S NOTE - *Urp! I feel sickened by the irony!


[Man, I feel filthy writing that, but I wanted to see how far I could push the envelope on uncomfortable scripts. Hopefully you all laughed on some small scale, or at least scarred you for life. Because that's a sort of comedy. And this TOTALLY isn't existing just because it's the only idea I could think of for the character. Not at all!]


  1. I had actually considered writing a piece about him going on a dating website, but you've taken it that extra (horrifying) step : )

  2. Cellulose? You mean "cellulitis", no?

    Put me on the "had a laugh AND is scarred for life" category for this one.

  3. ahahaha man auto-correct's a bitch, eh. yes, I meant cellulite. And yay for scarring people!

  4. Unfortunately, Max, I grew up on 4chan. There are few things on the internet that really traumatise me. Interesting concept, though.

  5. @James yeah without 4chan I doubt I could have written this, so I probably expected some people to be desensitised to my bullshit ahahah

  6. And now search engines around the world will whir as they track to find us. Or block us.

    Nice script, Max, once again we have a nice diverse range of ideas for the one character, gold.

  7. "Liefeldian biceps" I almost wet myself. Well done Max, this is a funny script. Although, how does Oswald type with his flippers?

  8. Wow. I have to say I have had some experience with this and for the record I am not a furry before anyone asks. But this script is great and is an intriguing take on the task.


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