1. Frank Castle is standing over the gravestones of his family, arms hanging loosely by his sides, a handgun clasped in his right hand. It's a gloomy, fairly archetypal day for a visit to the cemetery; overcast, threatening rain. His jacket is zipped up; the insignia that strikes fear into the hearts of criminals is hidden - this is not the appropriate place for it.
HENRY TRAVERS
[off panel]
It's difficult, isn't it?
2. Frank turns his head; an old, frail looking man, visibly struggling to remain upright even with his walking stick, is approaching him, a sad smile on his face.
HENRY TRAVERS
Being alone.
3. Frank, not one to engage in such discussions, refocuses back to the gravestones. But Henry Travers doesn't take the hint and takes up a position beside Frank, held up precariously by his walking stick.
HENRY TRAVERS
My Claire...
She's been gone seven years now, and still I wake up every morning expecting to see her by my side.
I still find myself making tea for two.
4. We're looking at the graves; at the gravestones of Maria Elizabeth Castle, Lisa Barbara Castle and Frank David Castle Junior.
HENRY TRAVERS
[off panel]
We never had children.
Tried, sure; a number of times. I suppose it just wasn't meant to be.
But we had each other and that's all that mattered, and then one day...
5. On Henry; he's tearing up at the memories.
HENRY TRAVERS
One day she just left me.
Passed away in her sleep.
I said Good Night to her and when I woke up there was no Good Morning, there was nothing, there was just...
Just me.
6. Henry's looking at Frank, who has remained stoic throughout this conversation.
HENRY TRAVERS
But see, I'm an old man.
You, you're young enough to find someone again. Young enough to find a few more years of happiness.
You don't want to live your life alone, son.
Not if you can help it.
7. Tight on Frank. Cold, emotionless.
FRANK CASTLE
I'm not alone.
8. He holds up the gun for Henry to see.
FRANK CASTLE
I've got all the company I need right here.
END.
Simon, this is fantastic! You've captured Frank perfectly. Easily one of, if not your best. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThis is a nice emotional piece, Simon. My only question is, are we meant to know who the guy is? Or is he just some random? The only Henry Travers I could find was a 1930's English actor...
ReplyDeleteHe's just a guy. Didn't know the actor existed. I prefer naming the characters than using 'MAN' or 'GUY' if they're going to play a focal role in my script. Just something I've always done.
ReplyDeleteWow Simon, that's top notch. Congrats.
ReplyDeleteAh, that's cool : )
ReplyDeleteYou might want to Google your characters' names before use then... just so you're aware of their namesake haha
Damn, Simon, this is pure solid gold brilliance. Sucvh a heartfelt page, and for the Punisher, you've outdone yourself. This is easily one of the best scripts on this site so far (I'd love to do a book of just our best scripts, that would be cool to judge...
ReplyDeleteHowever, the last panel does nothing for me. It seems to go against everything else you build on the page. I figure the only reason Castle should lift his gun is if he's about to blow Henry Travers a new speed hole in his face. Otherwise, you could just leave it at the panel before it, and maybe the next page could juxtapose the conversation with another Punisher scene of him with Spidey, or DD, or in his room with his gun, a fifth of whiskey next to his bed and all his demons around him. I don't know, but it's brilliance and that last panel lets it down. Hope you don't mind me being so Frank (Frank Castle that is, ba-bum cha!).
Oh no, man - be as harsh as you can be, it's the only way to improve. And honestly, I'd rather hear a critique from you or one of the other lads here than from an 'anonymous.' :-)
ReplyDeleteAs for the last panel... I don't know. Honestly, I lost a very dear friend last weekend and I found writing Travers' dialogue almost therapeutic, in a way. I sort of shoe-horned Castle into it, just because I wasn't in the mood for the violence that punctuated my original script. I actually find that final panel awfully uncomfortable, reading it again now.
I'm torn on this - but not in a critical way. I loved the script, Simon - I'm torn on whether I agree with Ryan or not. If anything, I fall between the two of you. That last line is so perfect, I wouldn't want to lose it, yet there's something almost Dirty Harry comical about Frank's only friend being his gun that raises a smile rather than tugging at your heart.
ReplyDelete"I've got all the company I need right here." Could Frank have been referring to his family instead?
/\ Yeah, I agree. I think the script would be a little stronger if Castle hadn't raised his gun and kept looking at the graves as he uttered the last lines. Also, I think he'd come off as less of an asshole, since if you think well about it, it looks like he's scaring an old man who opened his heart just for the hell of it.
ReplyDelete@Ivan - the thing is, I think Castle *is* an asshole, who wouldn't care that the old man's opened up to him.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm not sure he'd bring a gun to the cemetery his family is buried in, and I think that's the major fault in this piece. I think the script could use some refining, but as I said in the above post, it was a bit of a rush job.
Appreciate the comments and critiques, everyone. :-)
Haha, you know what, that's a pretty valid point you make. Frank Castle is not Bruce Wayne.
ReplyDeleteCan I confess something...I must have skipped that gun description when reading it for the first time. I thought it was simply Frank implying that his family are still with him (ie his need for revenge), which is what kept him company...the desire to right their deaths.
ReplyDeleteOn the gun subject, I think The Punisher would always carry a gun of some description, no matter where he went. I think it would take something a little more extreme for him to pull it out at the graves of his family, however.
haha I did the same thing! I think my brain just assumed the punch-line and skipped the info about the gun : )
ReplyDeleteWith just one panel I've rendered all my critical acclaim null and void... this is what it's gonna be like, being a writer, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteCheers for your thoughts, guys. I agree, the script is far more powerful without the whole gun element thrown in.
*This* is why I need an editor to screen my work before I put it up.
As an emotional piece, I think it works better without the gun... but as a Punisher piece, it definitely works better with the gun!
ReplyDelete