FRAME 1- Buffy is leaping away from a six armed, sword wielding clockwork knight.
Caption: "I should be studying..."
FRAME 2- Buffy shoves garlic into the mouth of a werewolf/vampire combo. She scowls.
Caption: "Hope this works. Can't remember if I packed the silver cross..."
FRAME 3- Buffy leaps away from three witches (one resembles Lady Gaga, one is riding
a Segway and one is dressed in a suit and is taking a call on her phone) who
fire magic blasts at her from her fingers.
Caption: "OK, this night officially went from weird to totally bonkeroony".
FRAME 4- A giant demon in the shape of the moon is standing over Buffy, who is trying
to lift herself from the floor.
Caption: "WTH?"
FRAME 5- Buffy's head is slumped against her school desk. Xander smiles at her in
his smug fashion.
Xander: Rough night?
Buffy: All in a night's work.
This one has me a little confused - was Buffy dreaming the whol etime, or is it a sequence of events which transpire over a night?
ReplyDeleteAlso, only a small nit pick, but the last two lines both contain the word 'night', which doesn't make the speech flow.
Oh, and if you wanted to go for a pun in the title (who wouldn't), A Hard Slay's Night :)
ReplyDeleteokay, I'm gonna be kinda harsh here, but mostly keep it simple by saying "also, what ben said".
ReplyDeleteokay, A) calling panels 'frames' is weirdly distracting. There's something to be said for going off-book in the traditional manners of comic scripting, but to alter a core convention of it is just unusual.
B) I'm fairly sure that you DO have the capability to do something other than loosely connected montages led by loosely connected captions. It isn't pushing what you can do and it's the weakest approach you could take to the one page concept.
I have faith you can do more will/rob, and I so desperately want to see it come to fruition
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteCan't argue with the feedback, appreciate people taking the time to look at it fairly and critically.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I will say is most of the other scripts were quite brutal and dark and I wanted to do something more lighthearted.
That being said I have no wish to be formulaic and will be more mindful in future. Cheers for the feedback guys!