VOICE BUBBLE (from off panel)
Excuse me, I’d like to make a complaint.
Excuse me, I’d like to make a complaint.
2. A side on panel. Ash is standing, his back to the shelves of stock he was just putting away. In front of him is a frail old lady in a cardigan. Ash still looks unimpressed.
OLD LADY
You see, I purchased this box of tissues from you the other day....
ASH
Maam, the complaints department is right over there near checkout four. They will be able to help you out with any...
OLD LADY
......and I’m not very happy about it. For starters, the tissues are not white enough.
You see, I purchased this box of tissues from you the other day....
ASH
Maam, the complaints department is right over there near checkout four. They will be able to help you out with any...
OLD LADY
......and I’m not very happy about it. For starters, the tissues are not white enough.
3. A close up of Ash’s face. There is a blank expression covering it.
OLD LADY (off panel)
Not to mention that the box was slightly damaged. I discovered that when I got home.
Not to mention that the box was slightly damaged. I discovered that when I got home.
4. Same panel as above, however Ash’s mouth has tightened up, and his brow furrowed. Frustration is beginning to show.
OLD LADY (off panel)
Mind you, I would have never discovered it if Mr Fibbles, my cat, hadn’t done a whoopsie by the front door, and I hadn’t placed my shopping down to pick it up.
Mind you, I would have never discovered it if Mr Fibbles, my cat, hadn’t done a whoopsie by the front door, and I hadn’t placed my shopping down to pick it up.
5. Same panel as above, however Ash’s eyes are now closed. He is more frustrated.
OLD LADY (off panel)
He’s getting old in his age, my Mr Fibbles, and I can’t bring myself to put him through the horrors of the vet, which is why I was buying the tissues you see. Mr Fibbles loves...
ASH
Lady, if you don’t leave I’m going to have to punch you right in the face.
OLD LADY (off panel)
I..I’ve never been so insulted....I’m...I’lll....
He’s getting old in his age, my Mr Fibbles, and I can’t bring myself to put him through the horrors of the vet, which is why I was buying the tissues you see. Mr Fibbles loves...
ASH
Lady, if you don’t leave I’m going to have to punch you right in the face.
OLD LADY (off panel)
I..I’ve never been so insulted....I’m...I’lll....
6. A close up of the little old lady, whom is now floating in mid air. Her snow white hair stands on end, and her face almost unrecognisable as she turns into a Deadite.
OLD LADY
I’LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!
I’LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!
7. A close up of Ash, from chest height. His right hand is raised, metal fist ready for action. His face wears a smirk, and we can see that he is happy.
ASH
Groovy.
Groovy.
Kobe (takes layaway, swish into trashcan) awesome page.
ReplyDeleteIt's a good thing he works in a store that sells guns. If he worked in Australia, he'd be screwed :P
ReplyDeleteI hate to be a downer, but I didn't massively dig this script, Ben. It's title says it all, why mess with the classics, and you haven't...this just feels like the end of the third flick, the S-Mart ending, that is.
ReplyDeleteIt's got the classic Ash lines, it's got a Deadite...but it feels hollow. And I don't think Ash would ever threaten to punch a lady...but maybe that's just me.
I would have liked to see you bring a little something extra to the tale. Give me something I haven't seen before because this, this I've seen before. Plenty.
Hope that's not too harsh...I had to bring down the gauntlet eventually.
As I've confessed, I've never seen any of the films, so I'm reading these scripts with a vastly different perspective from Ryan's.
ReplyDeleteBen, your script is really my first introduction to the character, and I enjoyed it. It sets a tone thatI can only imagine compliments the films, and serves as a nice little introduction into Ash's personality.
And now I need to Google 'Deadite.'
@Simon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPdboqzvzoE
ReplyDelete@Danial: Just so you know, your link isn't any good. Copyright claim and such.
ReplyDeleteReally? It works fine on my end : /
ReplyDeleteVideo works for me too. Might be a region-locked thing?
ReplyDelete@Ryan - Not a downer or too harsh at all. I actually prefer criticism, as it helps me get a better grip with my writing. Plus, I agree with you.
ReplyDeleteHere's the rub - originally I wanted to do a piece which played on Ash's insanity. He would be back in his regular job, bored out of his brain at the mundaity of it all. Then, an old lady complains, and the stupidity of the complaint would send him over (hence the "punch you in the face" line). He would see her as a deadite on the attack, when it is actually just a harmless old lady. He would question himself as to what he could believe and what he couldn't.
As I was writing it, it occured to me that there was no way in hell I was to fit this on a single page. So I had to decide what I would post - the somewhat confusing section where Ash is questioning his insanity, but didn't have the right build, or stick with the beginning which would have a air of familiarity to it. I chose the road more travelled.
In hindsight I should have really posted this at the bottom of the script. Ah well.
But Ryan, I very much appreciate the critique and honesty. Please, keep it coming!
At least there were no speeling mistakes this time....wait, dammit!
Oh, and the title is just me letting everyone know that this script is exactly what it is. I actually take as a compliment that this seems very similar to the ending of the movie. Means I have some grasp of the character, which is cool.
ReplyDeleteI only watched the first Evil Dead, where Ash is more a victim than a hero. No catch frases, no chainsaw hand and all that.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, this script is ok with me. He doesn seem like the kind of guy who would treathen to punch a lady, but wouldn't go through with it (if she wasn't a deadite, that is).
Ben, you had me with the tissues not being white enough, but lost me with the whoopsie. Nightmares of Michael Crawford. Panel 6 was probably the most Raimi thing I've imagined / seen in this week's scripts though.
ReplyDelete