The Premise: AHAHAHA no.
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Page 1 - 5 Panels
1-- We join Ashley Williams in a lavish high-class room with a fireplace, with him reclining in a fancy armchair, wearing a Hefner-esque dressing gown.
SPEECH BUBBLE/ASHLEY WILLIAMS - When you have to kill as many deadites as *I* do, you don't always have time to stay at your freshest.
2-- Ash has gotten up from his chair and is reaching into his dressing gown.
SPEECH BUBBLE/DEADITE [O/P] - I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!
SPEECH BUBBLE/ASHLEY WILLIAMS - And sometimes you just NEED to have an old musty smell that you can only get from staying an old cabin in the middle of nowhere.
3-- Ash has now pulled out a sawn-off shotgun from his gown and is firing it off-panel in the direction of the Deadite.
SPEECH BUBBLE/ASHLEY WILLIAMS - THAT, my friends, is where I come in. BOOM!
SFX/SHOTGUN - BOOM!!
4-- A Deadite has now fallen down the chimney into the fireplace in the background. We also have a couple more Deadites beginning to creep into the panel from the opposite side to the recently dispatched one. Ash is in mid-turn towards them.
SFX/DEADITE FALLING DOWN CHIMNEY - CHIM-CHEROOMPH!
SPEECH BUBBLE/ASHLEY WILLIAMS - Through my years of research and collecting various horrible smells I have recaptured the magic of creepy old shacks, that you can carry with you anywhere you go!
5-- Ash has now finished swinging round and has fired his shotgun at the two Deadites coming from the side.
SFX/SHOTGUN - BOOOOM!
SPEECH BUBBLE/ASHLEY WILLIAMS - AHA! It's called "Really $%&#ing Old Spice" and you should go out and buy it before I kick ALL your asses.
[and that's it for this page. given more space this would probably become a 2 or 3 page skit with something resembling a real punchline, but I just couldn't really fit an effective one into the page without it having unrealistic expectations of what space a comic page has.]
I'm having the same problem with my script. I only just managed to squeeze it into 8 panels... and I think I'm still pushing it :)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I can't quite put my finger on it, but the line, "you should all go out and buy it before I kick all your asses," just seemed a little off to me. Maybe it's the double "all", I'm not sure. Other than that, I think this would make for a funny little bonus page at the end of an issue. Nice one.
I think the script is great, personally, though I'm also a big fan of the crazy manly Old Spice commercials, so I may just be bias.
ReplyDelete@Danial - I'm gonna be doing a panel guide at some point to give people an idea of the limitations of a page, so i'm trying to keep my count down, ya know, be less of a hypocrite when i put it up ahaha.
ReplyDeleteAlso wow total brain fart where did the double all come in?! musta been too tired to notice that i did it. CORRECTED!
@MK- thanks, and can anyone NOT be a big fan of those adverts?! that just doesn't make sense to me, they're just TOO GOOD
Max always bringing the funny. :) Good stuff.
ReplyDeleteThere's just something about the violent slaying of Deadites coupled with manly quips that makes all these pages work for me this week. Fun as always, Max.
ReplyDelete