I was about to lash out on you for making them vandals, but then I re-read the first sentence. :PFun stuff.
Superboy-Happy birthdayPanel 1. Close up of superboys upper torso and face, Conner is lost in concentration, he’s punching the ground and rock and dirt are flying up.Superboy- (Thought) Typical conner, wait till the last minutePanel 2. Panoramic view of the moon, looks like there is a dust storm covering a a large portion on the surface, obviously coming from superboy.Superboy- (Thought) but this will make up for it …..I hope.Panel 3. Superboy doing the superman pose, hands on hips, seeming very confident in himself, smirking.Superboy-There…perfectPanel 4. Super boy flies off towards earth..we see some dust starting to settle on the surface of the moon revealing some letters punched into the ground.Panel 5. Interior, wonder girl’s room, she’s in pajamas brushing her hair, sitting on the bed, TV on in the background. Cell phone ringsTV Sound- we’re getting reports of something occurring on the moon, Supe….Panel 6. Cassy picks up the phone and turns off the tv.Cassey- hello?Caller on phone –Come outside…Cassey- What? Who is this?Caller on Phone- -Cass, just come outside.Panel 7. Sequence of Cassy looking out the window, then gliding down to meet superboy, the landing next to Superboy.Superboy- Happy birthday!Cassey- what do you want Conner, I told you I was mad at you, don’t think you can come here and…Superboy- Cassey just look up.Panel 8. (From behind) Cassey and Conner look up at the moon. The words Happy Birthday Wonder Girl, I Love You-Superboy are engraved onto the surface of the moon. Hearts above Cassey’s head.Cassey- I love you too….
Danial, great stuff. I wasn't sure where you were going plot-wise until the very end (yeah I don't pay attention to titles it seems) and that's just right. Scripting's tight too. Wish I had more to say but usually I only pipe up with criticism for people, of which I have little this time. Well done.@murray - Hey, traditionally commenter scripts go in the "Why" post for the week's character, but don't worry about it this time.As for your script it's not bad at all. It's got some typos, it might be trying to pack too much into a single page (both artistic demand and panel/speech balance) and the voices aren't quite there yet, but the content is heartfelt and there's a potential for this to be something brilliant.
thanks a lot, yea I kinda rushed it cause I came up with the idea at work so I made a bunch of typos and things, sorry about not posting it in the right place but I will know for next time.
@Danial - I like your concept and your execution, it's a fun page. Great work, mate. Seemlessly in and on the ground running, just as I assumed.@Murray - I really like your concept, it's very golden/silver age and you play up to that well. Your script formatting and spelling sure do need some tightening, but I can imagine it must be hard typing a script into a comment box. Perhaps try a Word doc first and then paste across.In future, also have a look through your script and see if there's any panels that feel superfluous. Is there any way you can streamline the action, include more than one thing in a panel, to make the page flow quicker. I think if you do that your next script will be even better.
I did use a word doc but when i transferred it to the comment box it got all jumbled..ill figure it out one day haha, thanks a lot guys, Site is awesome.
@Danial Adorable! I think it's a great "cold open" like you'd see in any sitcom. It could happen pretty much any time, but also it could easily lead into a very specific conflict. It's got that "good times" vibe that makes you wonder what's going to come along and push the joy and fun of the sequence right out the window.
@Murray: Girl's would love this! Superboy putting his love before logic and consequences. That's the stuff romance is made of! :PAs the others have stated, there's a few grammatical errors. Just small things such as Superboy's first line. It should either be, "Typical, Connor, wait 'til the last minute," or, "Typical Connor, waiting 'til the last minute," depending on the voice you're going for. Again, that sort of thing is easily fixed, so don't worry too much about it. I'm just a formatting and grammar Nazi ;)
Dear Murray,Danial's right. I'm a chick and it made me smile. This is an awesome first attempt! Can't wait to read what you come up with next week. :o) Melissa
Guys Thanks for all the nice posts and advice..its my first or second comics page.. so this means a lot, you'll see plenty more from meTHANKS!
@Danial - great script showing the playful nature between supes and his half kinda maybe clone.@Murray - very solid first/seconde script! Are our play at home writers supposed to put us tenured writer's to shame?
Feedback is what every good writer wants and needs, so please provide it in the white box below-OR-If you want to play along at home, feel free to put your scripts under the Why? post for the week.