I'd just read Superboy #30. Part 6 of 6 of a story arc called Losing It. I had no idea what was going on. This was August 1996. I was nine years old, and I'd only selected the comic because I'd seen the 'S' symbol on the cover, and Dad had promised me some reading material during a car trip. Honestly, I can't remember how much of the plot I absorbed at that age. I just loved the pictures. But I recall Superboy referencing his tactile telekinesis, and I had no idea what that was. I asked my father; he couldn't answer. To be fair to him, I believe I was miss-enunciating the term. And so, because I wanted to know more, I began to pick up Superboy on a semi-regular basis and I've been a fan ever since.
There are so many facets to the character of Superboy, aka Conner Kent. He's a clone of Lex Luthor and Superman. He's a kid, a teenager, still trying to find his place in the world. He's a member of the Teen Titans. He's best friends with Red Robin. And finally - finally - he's ditched the leather jacket and sunglasses in exchange for jeans and a t-shirt. The kid has style - unlike his 'cousin,' who continues to wear his undies on the outside of his pants.And he has tactile telekinesis!
Superboy #1 launched last week from DC comics, scribed by superstar Jeff Lemire and illustrated by the supremely talented Pier Gallo. I can't think of a better time for the Thoughtballooners to have a go at him.
This one will stump me I think. I just don't know enough about the DCU... I will, however, do my darnedest :)
ReplyDeleteI'll try to come up with something for Superboy.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you Danial - I'm not a big Superman fan, so anyone involved in his mythos is going to make me shoot blind. Then try and write a script about it.
ReplyDeleteEw, double meanings.
Here goes nothing…
ReplyDelete”I Can’t Believe It’s Not World’s Finest!”
(6 Panels)
Panel 1: Wide panel. The location is that of a seedier industrial area in GOTHAM CITY. RED ROBIN is seen from a low angle perched on a ledge looking out into the distance through a pair of binoculars that would be fitting for a member of the Bat-Family. It should be clear from the panel that there’s no one else near him.
Panel 2: Close up from the side of RED ROBIN’S head. He continues to look through the binoculars as someone comes up (off panel) from behind.
NEW ARRIVAL: Am I interrupting anything?
RED ROBIN: As a matter of fact, you’ve arrived just in time.
Panel 3: Panel shows the new arrival, revealed to be SUPERBOY, standing on the ledge of the building next to where RED ROBIN was previously by himself. RED ROBIN is pointing out into the horizon.
RED ROBIN: Nice ‘Batman’, by the way.
SUPERMAN: Thanks. So, you called?
RED ROBIN: You see what’s inside that building?
Panel 4: The panel is stationed just behind SUPERBOY’s shoulder. SUPERBOY looks at a building not too far off that looks to be well guarded. A hole should be in the side of the building to let the reader see what SUPERBOY is looking at on the inside with his X-Ray vision.
On the other side of the hole are a pair of monsters that have a resemblance to KILLER CROC, but more crocodile than human. They appear to be kept under control through high-tech machines and heavy sedation.
SUPERMAN: Is that…Croc? But there are two of them…
Panel 5: Panel shows RED ROBIN and SUPERBOY from the side as they look off-panel at the building. RED ROBIN is no longer looking through his binoculars.
RED ROBIN: Not quite, but not for lack of trying. They’ve been performing illegal genetic tests in an attempt to create a living weapon. A controllable Killer Croc/Bane hybrid. Thus far it’s been limited to testing on animals, but I have reason to suspect that human testing is the next stage.
Panel 6: Panel shows RED ROBIN and SUPERBOY from the front again. RED ROBIN looks through the binoculars one last time to prepare for his entrance. SUPERBOY has lifted up off the roof by a foot or so, and looks ready for action.
SUPERBOY: And we’re shutting them down?
RED ROBIN: Right. I asked Batgirl to cover the other end to make sure no one escapes out the back. What I need you to do it watch over the experiments and keep them under control if they get loose.
MK - there's something about your script, I really dig it, man. Great addition to the week. I like the 'nice "Batman"' line, made me laugh.
ReplyDelete@MK: I really liked that. Nice job. I agree that the "nice 'Batman'" line is great.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to point out though, that in panels 3 and 4, you wrote "SUPERMAN" as the dialogue speaker :P
P.S. Also, on a minor technical note, "NEW ARRIVAL" should probably have something like (OP) or (O/P) after it, to indicate that it's off-panel :)
*Notices use of 'Superman' instead of 'Superboy'*
ReplyDeleteD'oh! >_<
Still, glad you like the rest of it. And good point on the (OP) thing. :-)
MK - your script is brilliant. Simple in execution, but you nailed the character voices and I love the minor glimpse of the plot that's revealed. Look forward to more quality stuff from you!
ReplyDeletePanel 1
ReplyDeleteThis is a small panel.We see red and black line fly through an crowded city street. Its super boy, and he is in a hurry.
SUPERBOY
Hurry up you guys, were running out of time!
Panel 2
This panel is a little bit bigger than panel one. We now see Super boy himself. Kid flash is at his side with a determined look on his face.
SUPERBOY
Where the hell are the others, Bart?
Kid flash
You forget they can't move as fast as us? Be right back.
Panel 3
We close up on a mini communicator in Super boy's ear.
Red robin (off panel)
Where is Bart going, we can let him get..
Panel 4
We see Kid flash front and Foremost and super boy in the background. objects like cars and bikes and people are being pulled towards us, so is Kid flashes hair.
Now we see the largest panel on the page. We see Kid flash, Super boy,Wonder girl and Red Robin standing in front of a blue portal. On the other side other the portal we see Impulse, Superboy in his Young justice costume, and Tim Drake pre on year later Robin and young justice wonder girl.
SUPERBOY (BOTH)
What the F#$*
@SW614 - this is an interesting script but the formatting makes it slightly difficult to follow. Have a look at the Brubaker examples(http://www.thought-balloons.com/p/rules.html) to see a way to make the page flow. You use panel sections, excpet for what I assume is Panel 5...it makes it slightly harder to follow.
ReplyDeleteAlso, make sure you proof your work at all times. Sentence rules, possessive apostrophes, all should be followed and enforced, or else our resident grammar overlord, Rol, will gobble you up. Me, being a teacher, no lie it either :)
As for the content of your script, I like it. It's a nice short page, good set up, effective at getting our interest, which is exactly what we want from these scripts.
Thanks for posting :)
Lost It* by Paul Vogt
ReplyDelete:Page 3 of a new story arc. Page 1 opened with the caption "3 days from now." Connor's been chased and taunted for the first two pages through a generic warehouse - the kind with lots of wooden crates someone could easily get lost in. Caps = bold:
PAGE 3
1 - Chest-up shot of Connor, black t-shirt is ripped straight through the S. He's bleeding from a large knife slash. He's panicked with a layer of sweat glistening on his face. Breathing hard, his back is pressed against a couple of crates. He's hiding from someone or something.
(O/P): The Boy of Steel.
(O/P): AFRAID of Steel.
2 - Same shot, but Connor is now closing his eyes as if he was muttering a little prayer, inaudibly, to himself as the mystery voice continues to taunt, the word bubbles a little larger showing the voice is getting closer.
(O/P): Irony is a kind of humor, I guess.
(O/P): Although it's not really my cup
of caustic acid.
3 - Again, the voice bubbles are larger than the previous shot - the voice is getting close. Connor opens his eyes, a new desperation all over his face as we see now he's holding a beer bottle in his hand as a weapon.
(O/P): Three days without your powers.
(O/P): Boy how times flies when you're
having fun!
(O/P): Unlike you, who won't be flying at
ALL.
SFX: Larger "HAHAHA" on the opposite side
of Connor's head from the word
balloons.
4 - Same view, Connor has an eager look of excitement as we see the bottle flying out of his hand. He didn't throw it - it's an unconscious manifestation of his tactile telekinesis. The words are huge as if the man is directly on the other side of the crates.
(O/P): I wonder what'll come back first?
(O/P): Too bad you won't live to find out.
Connor (in a whisper): Joke's on you.
Be kind - this is my first page of comic book script ever! It was a lot of fun to write, and I'm excited to give it a shot every week. Be kind, but be honest - I can take it!
*Yes, the title is an homage to your post Simon. I too love his tactile telekinesis - it's how I learned the word "tactile" to begin with!
@Paul - This is your first script ever? Damn, not a bad intro at all. I really like that you've picked page 3, and quickly intro'ed the first two pages. It's simply played and effective.
ReplyDeleteI really dig the panel with the hahaha's on the other side of Connor's head, I think that would look pretty cool. At first I wasn't sure the final panel, as you'd see it drawn, would clearly explain that his tactile telekinesis had returned, but then the dialogue pretty much hammers it home, in a non-didactic way, and it's the sort of panel that smart readers will understand, and others will get once he unleashes more of his powers.
The pages starts and ends, which I like, and it sets up a great mment to come after it. This is really quite good, and I don't just say so.
Your formatting could use a little work, just don't knock down the next line as someone speaks longer, let it wrap instead. Top stuff, man, please post more in the future.
Wow, thanks Ryan! You sure know how to motivate a guy to keep coming back for more :) I basically wanted to try to tell an entire story in one page, so I'm glad you were able to see the structure there.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I wasn't sure how the formatting would play out, so it was a bit of an experiment, I'll definitely take your advice for future posts. I've read about scripting before but haven't ever found a format I was comfortable with, so I usually just gave up before even trying. I love Brubaker's fromatting. It's great how much it leaves to the artist to make it work but still gives enough direction to understand how things are moving. I'm totally stealing it from now on!
First of all, great to see some new faces here. And secondly, both are great pages! I agree with Ryan that there are some formatting issues, but they can be easily resolved.
ReplyDeleteIf it helps (as it did me), you can actually use basic HTML on here, such as bold and italics, when formatting your script.
Paul - you won we over with the lines "The Boy of Steel / Afraid of Steel." Great stuff, man - and if this is your first ever script, I'm floored. Look forward to more!
ReplyDelete"Me, being a teacher, no lie it either :)"
ReplyDeleteI think you meant "like", Ryan. ;-P
Welcome along, new writers - some fun scripts here, looking forward to seeing how you tackle future characters.
Great to see some new bloggers on the site. No tonly that, but great to see new bloggers/writers on the site.
ReplyDeleteGreat stuff guys, like the other tenured writer's, I'm really looking forward to reading more of your scripts.
OH MY GOD WHAT'S GOING ON PARTICIPATION ALL UP IN THIS GRILL!
ReplyDelete*Ahem* okay, let's have a look see...
@MK - This is solid as a rock. If I were to give any critical feedback it'd be that it can be hampering to the artist to dictate each panel too strictly. Other than that I absolutely LOVED this.
@screenwritter - This has potential. Admittedly it suffers greatly from how nigh-on impossible it can be to format comments on blogger, and I can see how with a bit of tweaking in the format and grammar stakes it could work. My only issue with the dialogue is Superboy swearing, but that's more a personal gripe against swearing being used in comics by more than the most miserable of people. Keep plugging and learning and we'll have great stuff out of you yet.
@Paul - again, the formatting buggered you royally but HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THAT'S YOUR FIRST SCRIPT EVER?! I have a feeling you're going to become one of the best around here over time.
But I DO have a criticism, one I've levelled out at some of the tenures here more than once. Being mysterious about who a voice or unrevealed character is in a script can only be an imbuggerance to letterer, editor, artist et al. I'm assuming it's, what, the joker? If so that's a character who is often given a distinctive voice and lettering style for certain things (such as his laughter) and it can be a real aid to all involved if you're straightforward with it. With Thought Balloons being as it is, it's fine, we all get to enjoy the wonderful tension and such, but without clarity it would struggle to work as a real script.
But again, FIRST TIME and THAT'S the main thing I had to moan about? That's bloody impressive. Hope you do MANY more of these in the coming weeks.
Impacting, well-paced, tense as hell... Brilliant.
... And i'm spent *flump*
Awesome comments guys, and they're very much appreciated! I can't wait to see who comes up this Sunday!
ReplyDeleteSUPERBOY, RAVEN AND BEAST BOY ARE SITTING AROUND A TABLE IN AN APARTMENT EATING PIZZA.
ReplyDelete[] Indicate bold type.
PANEL 1 - A HIGH SHOT LOOKING DOWN AT THE TABLE. SUPERBOY IS SAT ON ONE SIDE OF THE TABLE WITH HIS BACK TO US. BEAST BOY (ON THE LEFT) AND RAVEN (RIGHT) ARE SAT ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE. THEY’RE ALL HAPPILY MUNCHING PIZZA.
RAVEN
When are you going to change your name?
SUPERBOY
What?
PANEL 2 - TABLE HEIGHT. WE’RE CLOSE TO RAVEN’S LEFT SIDE AND LOOKING AT SUPERBOY.
RAVEN
When are you going to change your name?
SUPERBOY
What do you mean?
PANEL 3 - BACK BEHIND SUPERBOY. HE IS IN THE DEAD CENTRE OF THE PANEL WITH BEASTBOY AND RAVEN ON EITHER SIDE FACING US.
RAVEN
I mean, you can’t be Super[boy] forever can you? You can’t be a toothless old man with a cane and high waisted pants and still call yourself [boy].
It’d be creepy.
BEASTBOY
It would be creepy.
PANEL 4 - CLOSE UP ON SUPERBOY. WE CAN SEE HE HAS TWO FINGERS RAISED AS HE COUNTS HIS POINTS.
SUPERBOY
One, I have super teeth, so they won’t be going anywhere. Two, I haven’t even thought about a future name.
PANEL 5 - CLOSE UP ON RAVEN
RAVEN
You can’t just simply upgrade to Superman, obviously. What other options are there?
Superguy? Superfella?
Superdude?
PANEL 6 - WE CAN SEE ALL THREE CHARACTERS BUT THE FOCUS IS ON BEAST BOY AND HIS FIT OF LAUGHTER
BEASTBOY
Hahahahahaha!!
Oh, pleeaase be Superdude. That’d be amazing.
PANEL 7 - AT OPPOSITE END OF THE TABLE. NOW WE HAVE SUPERBOY ON THE RIGHT AND BEAST BOY AND RAVEN ON THE LEFT. BEAST BOY IS STILL AMUSED. SUPERBOY LOOKS A LITTLE MIFFED.
SUPERBOY
Well, what are [you] going to change your name to, [Garfield]?
@Mike - Some of the current Teen Titans at a table eating takeaway?! CLEARLY YOU ARE MY DOPPELGANGER!
ReplyDeleteI like the concept, I like the execution, I LOVE the humour. Where I'd raise issues in your work would have to be Raven's voice, but even then her voice has been somewhat... mutable over the years, so that criticism is moot.
I guess your panels' shot descriptions might be too restrictive for an artist, but that's about it for what I have to throw at ya. Nice.
Mike - that's a pretty funny script. I can see you and Max gettinga long just fine, ha.
ReplyDeleteI like the pacing of the dialogue, it makes it all zing across pretty well. Solid entry, man.
So Superboy needs a costume and name-change? Poor guy :)
ReplyDelete@Mike: I don't know if it's just me, but I find whole paragraphs of CAPS rather hard to read. I think they should be reserved for titles, headings, and yelling etc. Other than than that, it was a fun page... though not unlike Max's :P
Thanks for the comments, guys. I'd only read the first line of Max's page before I started writing my page. Maybe subconciously it influenced me.
ReplyDeleteI've never read a Superboy comic book before. All I know about him is his name, so that's what I worked with. I just wikipedia-ed the Teen Titans and picked two character names that would work for my story.
It's all good. I don't know anything about Superboy either :)
ReplyDeleteHey guys.
ReplyDeleteIt's been a while since I last stretched my fingers, but here it is! I cound't pass on Superboy...
I think my script ended up having a similar "theme" as one of the other play at home writers, but I don't think it conflicts too much. Tell me what you think!
“Superboy: Great power, greater concerns”– script by Ivan Antonio
Context: The dawn of the current incarnation of the Teen Titans, when Superboy switched to his t-shirt and jeans look and more kryptonian powers began to surface.
I’m sticking to my “scene” concept from my Punisher script (I break down the action in scenes and leave it up to the artist to divide them into proper panels)
[i]Scene 1[/i].(Superboy) We are looking at Superboy, he’s looking right back at us. He’s flying. He’s got a small child in his arms, he just saved him from a fire. I need you to draw, somewhere on the panel, a small asterisk-like balloon, the one that is used for very faint sounds.
Caption (Superboy): I WON’T LIE. THIS FEELS [b]GREAT[/b].
“*” Balloon: [inintelligible gibberish]
[i]Scene 2[/i]. (Superboy): Superboy again. This time, he’s welding a bridge using his recently acquired heat-vision. His clothes have some small scorching marks. The asterisk-balloon looks bigger, and now we can make out what it says.
Caption (Superboy): I’M STRONGER, FASTER, AND CAN DO A BUNCH OF NEW COOL STUFF NOW.
“*” Balloon (lower case, smaller font): HELP.
[i]Scene 3[/i]. (Superboy) Now Conner is duking it out with a strength-based supervillain of your choice. The Mammoth, maybe? His clothes are clearly damaged. The asterisk-balloon is now as big as the standard caption box.
Caption (Superboy): BUT…
Caption (Superboy): THERE IS ONE PARTICULAR POWER I’M HAVING [b]TROUBLE[/b] WITH.
“*” Balloon: HELP!
[i]Scene 4[/i]. (Superboy) This might be tricky, but try to make it work. He’s on a collapsed train track, “filling-in” for the tracks as Superman has been shown to be able to do a few times. I hope you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t know, or if it doesn’t work, feel free to create your own scenario. Just make sure his clothes are completely tattered. The asterisk-balloon is bigger than the average caption box.
Caption (Superboy): I HAVE TO...
Caption (Superboy): I HAVE TO ASK HIM HOW [b]HE[/b] DEALS WITH THIS.
“*” Balloon: HELP!
[i]Scene 5[/i]. (Superboy) Night. Superboy is lying at the top of the Titan’s tower, looking absolutely exhausted. The asterisk-balloon is HUGE now.
Superboy: THERE’S [b]ALWAYS[/b] SOMEONE IN DANGER.
“*” Balloon: [b]HELP!![/b]
"...and then he went and embarassed himself by showing his poor html skills."
ReplyDelete@ivan change all your [ to < and you're in business.
ReplyDelete@Ivan - I like the script, man. It's got that nice vibe, and you touched it differently than the other PAH scripter. Good work, mate. And now you probably know yur HTML code better :)
ReplyDelete