The location: The Sydney Cricket Ground, New South Wales.
The scenario: During the the final of The Ashes Series cricket contest 2010/11, the two opposing sides have been transformed into undead opponents. The English cricket team has become bloodthirsty vampires while the Australians are lumbering zombies. (I should state at this point that, while English myself, I have little interest in cricket – nor any great sense of national pride. I’m of the opinion that most team sports would be enlivened considerably were some supernatural element to be included.)
Anyhoo, the story opens with a largish panel of undead cricketer-slaying mayhem. MI13 have been called in to trounce the monsters on both sides. Captain Britain is bowling a zombie cricketer’s head at a group of bat-wielding vampires. Blade is staking a vamp with a wicket. Black Knight is hacking at encroaching zombies with his ebony blade. Pete Wisdom is calling the shots from the umpire’s position. All this is taking place in the background…
...because in the foreground, Faiza Hussain walks towards us with Excalibur held at the ready.
CAP (FAIZA): Final Day of the Fifth Test of the Ashes, I always dreamed of watching it live.
CAP (FAIZA): I should have known it’d end up like this. English vampires versus Aussie zombies, and the only one who can put it all back to normal in time for the final over is…
Faiza approaches a zombie and a vampire who are fighting to hold The Ashes Urn.
CAP (FAIZA): …a Muslim doctor cum superhero from Essex.
FAIZA: ‘Scuse me, fellas – you’ve kinda got something I need there…
Dropping the urn, the vampire and zombie both lunge to attack Faiza. She swings Excalibur in response…
…and lops off both their heads. Vampire blood and zombie slime splatter everywhere.
FAIZA: Ughh! Yuck!
CAP (FAIZA): Almost as gross as Saturday night in A&E.
Wiping the blood and slime from her face with one hand, Faiza kneels before the dropped urn. She waves her other hand out before her and the blue light of her healing power begins to glow over the ceremonial ashes that have spilled from the urn onto the pitch.
CAP (FAIZA): Still, no time to be squeamish now. I’ve never used my powers to this extent before and they don’t normally work on magical entities, but if Pete and Brian are right, this is something beyond magic…
Faiza is concentrating and using her power with both hands now. The Ashes rise from the ground and begin to swirl in the air, forming the shape of a man in cricket clothing, holding a bat.
CAP (FAIZA): …this is cricket!