Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Gambit - Cherchez La Femme - Rol Hirst


I'd just like to apologise to Max, and all other Gambit fans, from the bottom of my heart. I tried to write something else, but ultimately I am an abject failure...



To be drawn in the style of an old Warner Bros Merry Melodies cartoon. You'll soon work out which one.


Panel One.

Cartoon Rogue is walking down the street, singing a song. In the other direction comes cartoon Ms. Marvel. Cartoon Rogue’s hair is all brown.

Rogue: Honey - ah, sugah sugah…

Panel Two.

Rogue bumps into Ms. Marvel and there is a zap of energy as Rogue absorbs Carol’s powers and personality.

Rogue: Ahh! Shucks!

Ms. Marvel: Owwch!

Panel Three.

Ms. Marvel lies passed out on the floor while Rogue, still bursting with energy, examines her hair in a cartoon shop window. It’s an Acme shop, of course. Rogue’s hair now has the familiar white streak in it.

Rogue: Darn! Now I need Grecian 2000 on top of everything else!

Cut to…

Panel Four.

Cartoon Gambit is playing Solitaire and drinking Kool Aid through a straw in a superhero bar. Other cartoon heroes sit at different tables, but he’s drinking alone. Suddenly he’s alert… his senses are in overdrive.

Gambit: Maintenant… what eez zis?

Panel Five.

Gambit exits the bar in a cloud of cartoon dust. Playing cards explode in the air around him.

SFX: Biff! Baff! Boff!

Panel Six.

Gambit is out on the street with Rogue. He has her in an passionate clinch, from which Rogue is squirming to free herself.

Gambit: Ah, mon cheri, our love in zee stars is wreetten, non? I am zee mutant l’amour, zee Cajun Casanova, les amoreux de stupid trenchoat… and you, you are zee southern belle du jour, zee Mississippi Magnifique, la fille aux weird white streak in your ‘air!

Gambit: I want to keez you all over...

Panel Seven.

Gambit kisses Rogue’s cheek – she’s still struggling, with a big “eurgghhhh!” on her face.

Gambit: Mwah! Mwah! Mw—

Panel Eight.

Gambit’s face goes gaunt and blue as Rogue’s cheek sucks all the life out of him via his lips.

Gambit: --ahhhhhhhhhh!

Panel Nine.

Gambit drops to the floor, an emaciated corpse. Rogue stands wiping at her face, ridding herself of Gambit’s foul slobber.

Rogue: Eeeeeeeukk! Stinky skunk!

Rogue: Erm… I mean…

Panel Ten.

Close on Rogue: a wicked gleam in her eyes.

Rogue: “Le steenky skunk!”

CAP: Th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks!


10 comments:

  1. For a non-continuity one-page piece, I'd say it's a pretty funny bit.

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  2. Thanks, MK... though I swear it IS in continuity. I can quote you the exact Claremont issue numbers before and after this story.

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  3. I do believe that this means war.

    Also somehow this is less offensively characterised than what Claremont himself did with both of them.

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  4. @danial i actually like this. but how could i resist my OWN looney tunes reference in response?

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  5. I like Gambit, and I like Pepé Le Pew, so it goes without saying that I found this highly enjoyable :)

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  6. Awesome. I laughed out looud while reading it - which I cantell you is not something I do. Hardly ever.

    Oh, and Rol, you get +1 for the Mallrats reference.

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  7. That's great... erm... what Mallrats reference? (Must have been from my subconscious.)

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  8. I'm curious to know the Mallrats reference as well :(

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  9. Well, it's a bit of a stretcc but - Cherchez La Femme is what Brodie says when he wishes to win Renee back in the lingere store. Yes, I realise that it is a French saying for "Chasing the female" or somesuch. Yes I realise it is most likely used in other places, but to me it will always be a Mallrats quote.

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