Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Profile - Eyes on the Street - Sime McDonald

1. We are looking at The Profile’s eyes. They are clouded over; damaged. Scarred . But there is no hiding the fear in them.
PUNISHER
(off panel)
I am going to explain your situation.

2. Punisher is leaning over Profile, who is strapped to a bed. An elderly, frail looking fellow – a Doctor Bryant (new character, no reference) – is standing to the side, purposefully attempting to appear disinterested. He doesn’t want to overhear anything that might get him killed.

PUNISHER
I’ve degenerated the photoreceptor cells in your retinas.
Instigating photochemical injuries is becoming a favoured pastime of mine.

3. Profile turns his head away from Punisher as he leans in closer, sensing his presence, feeling his breath.

PUNISHER
I’m sure you’ll attest to my aptitude for it.

4. A smile plays across Punisher’s lips. He’s quite proud of himself.

PUNISHER
Right now, you’re scared.
You should be.
I am not a nice man.
But I don’t want to hurt you any more than I have.

5. Tears stream down Profile’s cheeks. He’s quite a pathetic sight. Punisher basks in it.

PUNISHER
You’re a weapon, Profile.
You’re going to be my weapon.

6. Profile clenches his teeth, a rage boiling up over his fear.

PROFILE
You took away all that I am!

7. Punisher looks across the room at the doctor, standing with his hands in his pockets, impossibly passive.

PUNISHER
Doctor Bryant.
Get over here and explain to this man what it is you do.
Tell him about your prosthetic retina research.

8. Punisher leans back in over Profile, growling.

PUNISHER
You’re going to be my eyes, Profile.
You're only going to see what I want you to see.

Continued...

8 comments:

  1. Intriguing concept, tight scripting, and I actually WANT to see where this goes.

    If I have one issue it's that Punisher sounds... off to me. It's a minor gripe, but it's like he's not quite the Frank Castle i'm used to.

    Other than that another typically great script from you, sime!

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  2. Thanks, Max.

    Yeah, I was thinking I made Frank perhaps a little too "chatty?" He's more the deathly silent type. Wasn't sure how I could rework the idea without all that dialogue though.

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  3. Whoa, intense. I'm definitely intrigued to know where this would go from here. Being the Punisher, I'm guessing he would somehow make him see only the bad deeds people have done--be the Punisher's scout? Nice work, Simon.

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  4. Dang, I get that Profile is suppose to be a jerk and all, but I can't possibly imagine him deserving anything like this. Has me really hoping that Frank gets what's coming to him by the time it's all over.

    Not that I was ever much a fan of regular Punisher in the first place, mind you...

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  5. True. He's not really a villain himself, he's just a tool that the villains pay to use :)

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  6. Sime - this would have worked so much better with the Punisher in the background and his doctor explaining all of the medical mumbo jumbo. Frank just needs to say a line or two at the end.

    Or, at least, that's what I think.

    Overall, though, great concept and wicked little execution - really makes you wonder which is always a good sign. Great first page of an issue, then cut back to how The Profile got captured, perhaps...

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  7. Excellent idea, that's exactly the sort of mental thing the Punisher would do to get the job done - everything's a potential weapon to him.

    Like the others though, I thought the opening dialogue didn't sound like Castle - too scientific. And I can't ever hear Frank saying "I'm sure you'll attest to my aptitude" - far too formal. As Ryan suggests, it might have been better to have the doc explain the science stuff then have Frank come in with the grim, tight-lipped threats and "you're my weapon now" stuff at the end.

    Still a great concept though, Sime.

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  8. Thanks, guys.
    I guess the reason I didn't have the doctor saying the lines is because he was a nobody, a character of my own creation, and I seem to litter my scripts with similar concoctions... I wanted Frank to sound menacing when he spoke the lines, but ultimately it all got a bit too scientific...
    Cheers for the critique's though - I agree with Ryan, it'd work so much better if Frank had just come in at the end with a typical Punisher line or two...

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