Thursday, December 23, 2010

Santa Claus - The Christmas Joke - Sime McDonald

Written by James (aged 7)
[without whom there would be no script]

with a tip 'o the hat to Sime McDonald (aged 23)
[any mistakes are his, and his alone]

1. Inside the Justice League Watchtower. Inside the ‘boardroom.’ You know; the one with the circular table with ‘JLA’ inscribed atop it, with the insignia’s of each member inscribed on the seats. Batman is speaking in front of the JLAers on Christmas Day duty; Plastic Man, Booster Gold, STEEL ... and we’ll throw Matter Eater Lad in there too, because we can, because this is out of continuity, and that guy could use some spotlight, y’know? These are ‘reserve’ Leaguers; called in because it’s the holiday season and everyone else is taking time off. Booster Gold is admiring his reflection, STEEL is polishing his helmet, and Plastic Man has twisted his body into the shape of a chair; Man Eater Lad is sitting on him, seemingly oblivious.

CAPTION
Christmas Day.

BATMAN
- - need to find these explosive toys before they detonate.
Thankfully I ... persuaded ... the Joker to talk and he produced a map of their locations.


2. A map of Metropolis lights a screen, dots placed in sporadic locations. The JLAers stare at it wide-eyed. Matter Eater Lad appears particularly distressed.

BATMAN
The toys are disguised as Christmas presents.
We're got three hours to search these homes and deactivate the devices.

MATTER EATER LAD
We can't just storm into these people's homes and ruin their Christmases!


3. Tight on Batman. Smiling.

BATMAN
Matter Eater Lad.
C'mon.
I'm the Goddamn Batman.
I plan for all contingencies.
We'll blend right into Christmas.


4. Cut to a shot of the JLAers walking purposefully towards us. Their outfits have been amended - - to mimic Santa's outfit. They look quite ridiculous - fake beards, red and white suits, etc - but their expressions are deadpan, serious, focused on the job at hand... apart from Plastic Man, who is beaming.

PLASTIC MAN
Why are these not standard Justice League attire?
I love the colours!
Let's take a vote!

5. Cut to a prison cell, where the Joker is bunking with Two-Face. They're watching television, although the panel is angled so that we can't see the screen.

TWO-FACE (1)
So there were no bombs?

JOKER
Nope.

TWO-FACE
Then why - - ?!

6. And now we see the screen; the JLAers, still dressed in their Santa Suits, walking away dedjectly as people point and laugh.

JOKER
There's never anything good on television at Christmas!
Ahahahahahaha-!

3 comments:

  1. This script is sharp, simple, funny, and exactly what Xmas needs.

    You need to sign James on a retainer, stat.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love that, Simon, it's a great concept and hilariously executed.

    I have a problem with Batman saying 'C'mon', but as you then had him also say "I'm the Goddamn Batman" I can forgive you because it's obviously that ridiculous All Star Batman and not the REAL one.

    Oh... and... heh... Steel is "polishing his helmet"... snicker.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love the descripion of all the heroes looking serious in their santa suits. I really want to see Batman as St. Nick.

    ReplyDelete

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