Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Santa Claus - The Terrible Truth About Father Christmas - Rol Hirst

Panel One.

The Punisher stands at the edge of a building, taking aim with a high powered rifle at some unseen victim round the corner, down a snow-covered, Christmas light bedecked city street.

CAP: Punisher War Journal 12/24/10…

CAP: It was inevitable this would happen one day.

CAP: After all those years delivering presents to ungrateful brats the world over, most of whom don’t have the decency to even believe in him anymore…

Panel Two.

Through the viewfinder of Punisher’s rifle we see his intended victim. Father Christmas. He stands in the middle of the street, holding a screaming child high above his head and laughing while demonic, red-eyed reindeer look on and grin fiendishly. Shocked, frightened and horrified members of the public watch helplessly. Other bodies (children and parents) lie scattered across the street. The snow is turning red.

CAP: …Santa Claus has snapped.

Panel Three.

The Punisher fires at his target, but the bullets just bounce off Santa.

CAP: I’d give anything not to have to take this guy down…

CAP: But what choice do I have?

SFX: Putt! Putt! Putt!

Panel Four.

Close on Santa, holding one of the squashed bullets the Punisher just fired at him in his big red mitten. He laughs as he drops the screaming child.

SANTA: Ho ho ho!

Panel Five.

Suddenly, Santa is standing in front of the Punisher, crushing Frank’s weapon like it’s a cheap Christmas cracker. The Punisher looks scared.

SANTA: Who do we have here? Frank Castle? You’ve been a naughty boy again, haven’t you, Frank?

Panel Six.

The Punisher gasps as a sharp object thrusts out through his chest, blood everywhere. He’s been stabbed from behind. Santa shakes his head, mock disappointed.

SANTA: And really, Frank, do you honestly expect to stop me with bullets? Haven't you heard...


Panel Seven.

Frank’s body is impaled on reindeer antlers. Santa looks on, chortling again now.

SANTA: …I don't actually exist! Ho ho ho!

Panel Eight.

Close on the Punisher's face: a single tear creeps from the corner of his eye as an awful truth is revealed to him.

CAP: Punisher War Journal 12/24/10…

CAP: The night I learned the terrible truth about Father Christmas.


  1. Dang. I think I just wrote a Mark Millar script.

    I feel grubby.

  2. You DID write a Mark Millar script. I'm ashamed of you.

    Well scripted though, so at least it's got what matters.

  3. As dark as it is, I can't help but chuckle at the twisted, dark humor it has.

    That, and I now have "The Night Santa Went Crazy" stuck in my head.

  4. Rol - I don't even know what to say. I can clearly state you achieved what you set out to do. I also kind of like how Terminator-like Santa truly was. Fun for all the family.

  5. Rol, it might be Millar-esque I suppose, but this was damn good fun to read!

  6. Poor Frank. After this script, I'm pretty certain Santa could kick my arse.


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