Sunday, March 13, 2011

Moon Knight - Moon Knight #0 - Danial Carroll


PAGE ONE (eight panels)


PANEL ONE
Grant Mansion: Marc Spector is in the living room, surrounded by packing boxes. Behind him, entering the room, is Samuels, followed closely by Stephen Strange.

SAMUELS: Excuse me, sir, but you have a guest.


PANEL TWO
Stephen is standing before Marc.

MARC: Let me guess, Marlene sent you.

STEPHEN: I'm sorry if I'm intruding.

MARC: Not at all. I'm actually glad you're here.


PANEL THREE
Marc and Stephen are now standing on the balcony. Marc is leaning on the railing, looking out at his property.

MARC: I can't explain it. It's just-- It's like a compulsion.

MARC: I don't even like L.A.

STEPHEN: Interesting...


PANEL FOUR
Close on Stephen. His eyes are closed and his hands are held up, as if feeling an energy radiating from Marc.

STEPHEN: I have sensed this before.

STEPHEN: The first time I noticed it was around Matt Murdock...

STEPHEN: And it's particularly evident when I'm with the Avengers.


PANEL FIVE
Close on Marc, looking concerned.

MARC: What is it?


PANEL SIX
Wider view of the balcony. Stephen is gesturing in explanation.

STEPHEN: There are extradimenionsal beings that are able to impose their will upon our's.

STEPHEN: This particular being seems to take delight in making people act out of character.

STEPHEN: As is the case here.


PANEL SEVEN
Closer on the two. Marc has Stephen by the collar, begging him for help.

MARC: Can you stop it?

STEPHEN: I'm sorry, Marc, but within its realm, this being bears godlike power that not even I can combat.

MARC: This isn't right, Stephen.

MARC: No one... being... should hold that much power!


PANEL EIGHT
Close on Stephen, looking horribly saddened.

STEPHEN: I'm so very, very sorry...

9 comments:

  1. Alright, I realise mostly I just comment nicely instead of editing - which was kind of the point of this site. To make us better. Here goes.

    I like this script - but it's too meta to be useful. It's not a script about Moon Knight, it's a script about your feeelings about MK. That doesn't help sell MK as a better character, it's just you tearing down the new direction (before it's even here).

    Words I would excise:
    Panel 1 - 'but'
    P2 - Stephen's 'I'm'
    P3 - Marc's first 'like'
    P6 - 'are able to', 'seems to', and the final 'to'
    These excisions will simple tighten things up, make it all punch better.

    I thought Bendis wrote a great Matt Murdock, one of the best. You leave that run out of this! :)

    The final panel - perfect, genius, you actually sell this snarky script with gravitas. That final panel is 5 stars.

    Thanks for being the first to take my editing on board. I know you can handle it. You can more than give it back on Saturday when I attempt this, your favourite character.

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  2. Yeah, wow. I have to agree with what Ryan said about the attacking of Bendis here. It's taking a stab at him before the series has even come out.

    I do like the idea of Dr Strange being powerless to stop a being toying with Spector, and it would be cool to see Marc's journey in unravelling who this entity is, and why he has chosen him.

    Unfortunately I feel that your predujuice about Bendis' plans for the title have overshadowed your script.

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  3. As a person who is prone to soapboxing my own views straight into these scripts it'd be hypocritical of me to diss on you for that, but trust me when i say the overall quality of your work can only suffer for it in the face of doing something that you feel best represents your feelings about the character.

    That said this was a decent script. well done and such

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  4. Anyone for a cold glass of 'predujuice'? I hate my spelling.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I remain proudly upon my soapbox :) If Bendis said Daredevil is going to pretend he is Spider-Man, Wolverine, and Captain America, I'm sure you'd be annoyed too. It's just a blatantly ridiculous idea, no matter the target character.

    Anywho, thanks for the feedback. It's always welcome, though I feel I need to defend some of my reasonings. In regards to the suggested excisions, some of those extra words were actually intentional. In my mind, Stephen is a very well-spoken man, which I believe, means he wouldn't omit words like the average Joe. I do agree with Samuels' and Marc's lines though. I even tossed up removing Marc's first "like" myself :)

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  6. @Danial - I can dig that, but when he talsk of this being he seems so uncertain, modality is low (if you will). He doesn't need to say the beings are able to, he should say they do, because they do, and have.

    The being doesn't seem to take delight, it does take delight. He is well spoken but he should also be forceful, and certain.

    Does that make sense? It's the sort of thing I catch myself doing all the time, people say they feel or think or seem to or are able to. No. They know, and do. Certainty, it'll make your writing into a sexual tyrannosaurus...

    Just like me. :)

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  7. Ah, gotcha! It's like what Yoda said :)

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  8. While, I appreciate the comments of the other guys, I really enjoyed this script - mainly because it plays to an area I really enjoy, the "flies to wanton boys" angle that Grant Morrison devoted his entire Animal Man run to. OK, it's more of a soapbox than a story, but I've seem similar things from pros (perhaps with a little more subtlety) over the years, writing stories to explain away a previous writer's excesses. Never seen it done BEFORE the book comes out though... and much as I'm tiring of Bendis in recent years, I still want to give him the benefit of the doubt... until he wastes it.

    ReplyDelete

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