Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Nextwave - I Have No ☠☠☠☠ And I Must ☠☠☠☠! - Rol Hirst

Panel One.

Recap box. Yes, a recap box. Yes, I am telling rather than showing. For one panel. This is how it will be. If you don't like it, you can ☠☠☠☠ your ☠☠☠☠ with a llama's ☠☠☠☠ for all I care. Recap box...

CAP: Previously on 'The Marvel Universe Is Our Plaything'...

CAP: Ultron is back. And he's a babe again, because Frank Cho is drawing him this month. And because, let's face it, if you had the choice of looking like a grisly, furnace-faced skull with wingnut ears or a hot metal Janet Van Dyne with much larger boobies, which would you choose? Even if you were an insane killer robot with megalomaniac daddy issues? Don't lie to me, I know your tell.

Panel Two.

New York City. A scene of carnage and devastation. The bodies of fallen heroes lie scattered in the wreckage of buildings, strung from lamp posts, smashed through windows, with taxi cabs parked on their faces. Above the chaos, Hot Ultron floats, gloating, triumphant. In the foreground, Mayor J. Jonah Jameson looks on in horror. His assistant, Glory Grant, hands him a phone.

JJJ: The Fantastic Four... The X-Men... The Avengers... The New Avengers... The Young Avengers... The Academy Avengers... The Nantucket Avengers... even ☠☠☠☠ing Spider-Man...

Glory: Isn't Spider-Man in the Avengers? And the New Avengers? And the Fantasti--?

JJJ: Never mind that, Ms. Grant. She's defeated them all! Who else is left to save us...?

Glory: Well...

Panel Three.

Cut to: close-up on Monica Rambeau, taking an urgent telephone call, looking worried.

Monica: Yes, Mr. Mayor - we'll be right there.

Panel Four.

The rec' room on board the Shockwave Rider. As Monica enters the room ready for action, she finds the rest of the team - Aaron, Tabitha, Elsa and the Captain slobbing out on sofas in front of the TV. Only Aaron looks less than relaxed - he's clutching his groin with a pained / angry expression. Elsa glances away from the TV, towards Monica.

TV: It takes Diff'rent Strokes to move the world, yes it does...

Tabitha: Relax, boss lady, we're handling this...

Monica: Well, excuse me, Tabitha, but from where I'm standing you’re not handling ☠☠☠☠! Every single member of this team is sat watching TV and drinking beer…

Panel Five.

Close on Machine Man, grimacing and scowling, still clutching his crotch. Tabitha leans across him, still looking at Monica, and points down into Aaron's lap.

Aaron: Not. Every. Single. Member.

Tabitha: It's fine, Monica - we sent Aaron's ☠☠☠☠...

Panel Six.

A tiny robot penis rockets towards New York to defeat Sexy Ultron... but because this is a family show, the penis is partly obscured by a large 'CENSORED' sticker. (It really is tiny though.)

Aaron's Penis: It's SEXXXY time!


  1. What happened to the sweary skulls? Boo - bring back the sweary skulls!

  2. Oh, Lord. How immature.

    I LOVE IT.

    Also--how do you make the sweary skulls?

  3. Well, before today you just copy-and-pasted the symbols from wikipedia or anywhere else you could find them online. Now though that link appears to have broken universally, hence the blank squares or numbered boxes (depending on your browser) above (and below). Damn them, they better fix this soon!

  4. I'm seeing the skulls just fine...

  5. ☠☠☠☠ YEAH! & Well Done. :)

  6. Rol, there's a word for people like you. That word is hilarious. ☠☠☠☠ing great. If Warren doesn't want to pick up Nextwave again, you have my vote as his replacement.

    Oh, Skulls working fine for me too.

  7. The skulls are now back. But they weren't here yesterday, I promise you. Someone is ☠☠☠☠ing with me.

  8. Rol - this page works well and pays off at the end. At first I thought Stack was just holding his junk, as many of us do sitting on the couch, but I was wrong.


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