OK, MK beat me to the punch this week so here’s my last minute alternative pitch: Ms. Marvel is involved in one of those big, pointless, city-mashing fight scenes with The Wrecking Crew, who have been powered up even more than usual by Loki or that Fear God guy or somebody equally magicky and bad-ass. Who knows... they don’t pay me to plot the whole issue, just this page. Anyway, Carol's battle has been interrupted by the arrival of a brand new character - a super-powered hero called THE STUD... a big, muscle-bound, square-jawed pretty boy with perfect teeth, Ray Bans and flyaway hair. His tight-fitting costume is cut low in the front to show off his hairy chest and solid gold medallion. The front of his costume bulges unnecessarily in the groin, but if you ask me he’s just stuffed a pair of socks down there. Now... read on, MacDuff!
The Stud grabs the Wrecker’s wrecking bar and wraps it round the Wrecker’s neck like a horse shoe.
Ms. Marvel, who was about to deal with the Wrecker herself, looks a little miffed.
The Stud: Hope you don’t mind me stepping in with a timely assist, darling. Shame for a pretty lady such as yourself to have to sully your hands on such brutes.
Carol: Thanks… erm…?
The Stud boots Piledriver through a wall while Carol crushes Thunderball’s wrecking ball. She so doesn't need this guy's help.
The Stud: They call me The Stud round these parts, sweet - rather embarrassing if I do say so myself, but it’s a lucky hero who gets to choose their own moniker… am I right?
With a joint punch, Carol and the Stud deliver a knock-out blow to Bulldozer, the last man standing. Carol can’t believe what she’s hearing.
The Stud: I mean… Mizz? I’m all for feminism – some of my best friends are SISTERS - but ain’t that handle just a wee bit 1975, chain yourself to the railings and burn your bra for the cause…?
The Stud: I mean, for a 21st Century Career Woman such as yourself?
Carol: ...says the guy who named himself after a bad Joan Collins movie?
With the Wrecking Crew out of action, The Stud continues to put the moves on Carol. He’s leaning over her now with one arm against the wall, giving her the once over with his eyes. He remains blissfully ignorant to the fact that Ms. Marvel obviously wants to punch him into next Thursday.
The Stud: Touché, babe – I see your wit’s as sharp as your dress sense.
The Stud: Speaking of which, you do know there’s only one way that costume could ever look finer…
Cut to… the stratosphere, where the sky turns to stars. The earth is a blue green marble thousands of miles below – the moon so close we can see reflection off the Watcher's head.
Carol is holding The Stud by the throat. He’s choking for air, his eyes bulging, arms flapping helplessly.
Carol: Say “...if it was lying on my bedroom floor” so we can find out just how much of a tough guy you really are…