Saturday, May 28, 2011

Steve - Reflection - Danial Carroll

So the set up? Being a Page One, there's not really anything for me to set up. Basically, I'm a big fan of post-apocalyptic tales (Fallout 3, The Book of Eli), and this is my attempt at one...

PAGE ONE (four panels)

In night tones, we see a close-up of a hand holding a dictation machine—aka a Dictaphone.

DICTAPHONE: I’m not entirely sure why I’m recording this…

DICTAPHONE: For future generations? Or perhaps just catharsis.

DICTAPHONE: Either way, I feel it’s a story that needs to be told.

We now see a darkened room with moonlight coming in through an un-curtained window. There’s a 23-year-old man (Steve) sitting in a chair, holding the recorder. He has stopped the playback.


STEVE: Hmpf, that’ll do.

Closer on Steve. He has started the Dictaphone recording, notable from a red LED now visible.


STEVE: I can still recall the events of that day--five years ago now--with the vividness and lucidity of this morning’s.

STEVE: Being the most traumatic day of my life, I guess it’s no wonder.

Close-up on the Dictaphone again, the red LED glowing brightly.

STEVE: It was November 14, 2012…

STEVE: … which was a Wednesday.

From here, we would flashback as Steve narrates his tale, ultimately finding out how he ended up in this position. You might think from the date that this ties in to the whole 2012 Mayan Calendar thing, but you'd be wrong. On that date, there is a Total Solar Eclipse that will be visible from Cairns, QLD, Australia, which I am hoping to see myself, so I just thought that would make for a good place for Steve's tale begin.


  1. A very low key beginning. But it reminds me of Evil Dead in tone. Them listening to the recording, that's the tone I feel on this one.

    My main question with this one is, does it make the person want to turn the page?

    Oh, and when he says 'which was a Wednesday' it makes me think of 'which was the fashion at the time'. Me thinks Steve has an onion on his belt.

  2. Would you not turn the page? Aren't you at all curious to know what the guy feels he has to record? Well, aren't you? Huh? :)

    And who's to say that Steve wouldn't have an onion on his belt. You don't see him properly in this scene :P

  3. ...are you saying that onions on the belt aren't an integral part to your post-apocalyptic yarn?

    Either way, I like this beginning. It is low key, but it manages to raise a number of questions that I want to know the answers to. I think panel 2 really sells it for me. That pause to reflect on whether or not his beginning is adequate says a lot. By definition, recording one's story assumes there is an audience to hear it, but that pause emphasizes the fact. It seems to me that Steve knows he's not the only survivor. But then why is he still alone? The questions only continue to build in my mind.

  4. Second time I've read this, and I mus say it has grown on me the second time round. It may have something to do with knowing where it's going (well, kinda) but I think the soft introduction into the story is a great way to peak reader's interest.

  5. Being a sucker for post-apoc fiction (I just finished The Passage), I reckon I'd definitely turn the page.

    Something clunktyy about the following line of dialogue though, Danial...

    "I can still recall the events of that day--five years ago now--with the vividness and lucidity of this morning’s."

    I know what you're trying to say, but there must be a smoother way to say it... perhaps even just dropping the 's.

  6. Sorry, I meant clunky, not clunktyy... which is pretty clunky in itself.


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