Thursday, September 6, 2012

Alfred – Mad With Murder - Shaun Richens.


PAGE ONE

7 Panels.

2 rows of three with panel 7 as a page wide panel at the bottom.

1. Two ARKHAM asylum GUARDS are walking down a corridor past the cell door of an inmate. GUARD ONE is young and new to the job. GUARD TWO is much older, a veteran of Arkham.

         INMATE (Coming from inside the door.):
         HAHAHAHA.

2. We are in a medium two shot; the GUARDS are stood outside of the cell door. They stand either side of it.

         GUARD ONE:
         Is it true about what they say about this guy?

         GUARD TWO:
         Sadly the hear say is close to the truth kid.

         INMATE (Coming from inside the door.):
         <SOB>

3. Same composition as 2. GUARD ONE looks anxious as he decides if he should push the subject.
        
         GUARD ONE:
         So he tried killing him? That’s why he’s here?

         GUARD TWO:
         More to it than that.

4. Close up on GUARD TWO.

         GUARD TWO:
         It was after he killed Wayne, that’s what pushed him 
         over the edge. Couldn’t handle it, went totally mad, 
         so he went after him.

5. Same composition as 2. GUARD ONE looks shocked to hear the rumours are true. GUARD TWO wears a look of sadness on his face at retelling the story.

         GUARD ONE:
         Who’d have thought he cared so much?

        GUARD TWO:
He basically raised him. Bruce was a son to him. If the Joker murdered my son, I might have gone off the deep end and tried to kill him too.

6. We pull down to the placard on cell door. It displays the inmate’s name.

         The placard reads:
         A. Pennyworth.
        
7. We cut to inside the cell. The cell door in the background, the small drop down window open and the TWO GUARDS are peering in. In the foreground sat hunched over, his face in his palms weeping is ALFRED.

         ALFRED:
         <SOB>


6 comments:

  1. It's a very interesting idea, but I feel some of the dialogue here could be condensed. Or made a bit eerier to draw out suspense - it's a little blunt.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So Joker kills Bruce Wayne, Alfred fails to kill him, and STILL gets locked up in Arkham? That's dang depressing right there.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love the idea Shaun, and it's tough to nail the execution of this kind of scene in a single page. The guards talking about the inmate is tad too formulaic for my tastes, but I can't think of a better way to get to that punchline in such a condensed space. 3-stars from me.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have to agree with JD that the page could be a little tighter, but the idea is grade-a dynamite. Both the story leading up to this or the one coming out of it would make for a terrific read. Awesome idea, Shaun.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks for all the feedback guys. As always it helps me to become a better writer.

    As many of you have pointed out the frame work of having the guards talk about Alfred is a little formulaic. However it felt like the only way I could pull off my idea, which I am glad you seemed to like, in one page.

    Thats why I love thought balloons, it really tests what you can pull off in the single page format.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The concept is sound but the execution is a little shaky. Like others have said it could be condensed slightly and some of the dialogue worked. Show don't tell, etc.

    ReplyDelete

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