Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Rarebit Fiend- A Fresh Start -Dan Hill

PAGE ONE: Eight panels

Panel One:
We open on a profile shot of a young couple sat opposite each other in a booth in a busy late night diner. The YOUNG WOMAN sits on the right side of the panel. She stirs her coffee ildly whilst looking across the table at the YOUNG MAN sat opposite her. They both look haggard and tired.

MAN: It's not going to work...

Panel Two:
The woman looks up at the ceiling. Please let this be over. The man continues. It's raining outside now.

MAN: --we made a mistake--

Panel Three:
A waitress stands by the table pouring more coffee. The woman looks up at her, silently thanking her stripes for contact from someone other than this guy.

MAN: --incapable of sharing yourself--

Panel Four:
The man grows frustrated. He's not getting through. The woman remains nonchalant.

MAN: --so closed off--

Panel Five:
The man continues. But he's given up. He motions to the waitress for the cheque.

MAN: --head buried in the past--

Panel Six:
The woman sits in the booth by herself. The man is getting up to leave.

MAN: --not even listening--

Panel Seven:
Nothing but black.

MAN(TAILLESS): --you listening?

WOMAN(TAILLESS): Sorry, I drifted off a bit...

Panel Eight:

CUT TO the same young man and woman sitting in a small kitchen somewhere in a cramped apartment. A single candle illuminates the scene. On the table in front of them is a plate of Welsh Rarebit.

They both look fresher, younger, more vibrant. Both of them are smiling at each other.

WOMAN: Some first date, huh?

MAN: A date? I mean...are you sure?

WOMAN: ...


  1. It might just be me but I'm not sure I really 'got' your page mate. Maybe it just went over my head.

  2. I really like the first seven panels, Dan. Like, really like them. The story you're telling and the fragmented way you do so is a great piece of writing, but the dialogue in the last panel throws me a little bit.

    I think it's mostly because of how dour he is in those first seven panels, but I'm not sure how the Man is reacting to the woman's suggestion that this is a date. Is he genuinely nervous and excited? Or is he reticent about it? Personally, I'd like just a bit more context in their interaction to be able to grasp what kind of mood I should be reading here.

  3. Great bleak atmosphere, and one of those "adult fear" dreams, but like the others I feel it lacks poignancy.

  4. I think I dropped the ball on this one and it could probably be fixed with a few tweaks here and there.

    The last panel is supposed to reveal that it was all the woman's dreams. Her previous relationships have all ended this way because of her inability to connect or let herself be 'open' to anyone.

    Now she's daydreaming the same end to this one before it's even began. The guy, knowing her, is taken aback by her saying this is a date.

    Despite her fears, despite her 'nightmare' she's taking a first step to break that cycle.

    Could use a little work for sure.

    As ever though, the feedback is much appreciated.

    1. Now, knowing a little context I have re read it and it has more impact on me now. I think with the right artist your meanings could be a lot clear on the printed page and work really well.


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