Panel 1: Close up on Kerron, a bowmouse, as he aims his bow. We can barely see him for the shade.
Caption(Kerron): I CAN BARELY SEE PAST THEM.
Caption(Kerron): AND I'M ALMOST MAD FROM THE NOISE.
SFX: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Inset Panel: Kerron looks to his left. We can't see what he's looking at, but he's surprised. Same light conditions as above.
Panel 2: Kerron ducks under a massive blanket of black and yellow speeding overhead, where his head would have been if not for noticing. Same light conditions, but we can see some sunlight over the top of the blanket of bees.
SFX: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZWWWWWWWRR
Panel 3: Kerron has gotten back up, and is reloading his bow.
SFX: BBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Caption(Kerron): BUT I CAN'T STOP. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WANT TO.
Panel 4: Large panel, as much of the page as possible. We're looking up, as Kerron again aims his bow at the massive cloud of bees overhead. They've just about blotted out the sun. There's a bead of sweat going down Kerron's head.
Caption(Kerron): ALL I CAN DO IS KEEP FIRING, UNTIL I SEE SUNLIGHT.
SFX: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Some good visuals at work here.
ReplyDeleteI definitely got a '300' vibe from some of the lines and panel descriptions.
I have had the kind of week where I've felt like Kerron...a LOT...and Kerron's last line was exactly what I needed. Pretty inspiring script.
ReplyDeleteBack to firing 'til I see daylight...
Heroic, well written fantasy at it's very best. Great visuals, even better captions. Big thumbs up from me.
ReplyDeleteGreat use of the different scale on which Mouse Guard operates to make something minor seem a bigger deal (a lot of scripts this week playing with that).
ReplyDeleteI also love the dialogue and SFX here. The latter is particularly effective, almost surrounding.
Not much more I can add, Niel. You have a great situation, brilliant imagery, and pitch perfect dialogue, that really puts the whole concept over the top.
ReplyDelete