Monday, October 29, 2012

Murder Book - Don't Quit Your Day Job - Ben Rosenthal




1.  Night on a highway. A man drives as sits behind the wheel of his car.  He has just noticed the police car behind him, sirens flashing indicating for him to pull over. The man looks annoyed.

DRIVER
Oh come on.


2. The police officer is standing next to the car. The man is looking out the driver's window.

POLICE OFFICER
License and registration please sir.

DRIVER
What, was I a little over the limit?


3. Inside the car. Without the police officer noticing, the driver has his hand on a gun.

DRIVER
Why don't you go and catch some actual criminals?


4. The Police Officer has his gun pointed at the Driver's head.


5. Not really a panel, but a large sound effect graphic.

Sfx: BANG!


6. The Police Officer is walking away from the car on his mobile. The dead body of the Driver is slumped on the wheel.

POLICE OFFICER
It's done.



3 comments:

  1. Fun bait and switch story. You set up a tense little scene, which if you wanted could lead into something else with all the hints at something bigger that you give.

    My one complaint the wording of this sentence is off, 'man drives as sits behind the wheel of his car.'

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  2. Nice psyche out at the end there. I like how there's a bit of ambiguity in panel 5 as to who gets the shot off, even if it is quickly resolved in the next panel.

    I don't know why, but the first few pieces of dialogue feel a little flat to me. Almost like they're bordering a little too closely on cliche? However, that last line is a real winner.

    Also: solid title choice in the way it reflects on the page and changes your understanding of what takes place.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nice one pager with a neat twist at the end. I think I'm leaning towards less is more with the dialogue on this one.

    ReplyDelete

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