Friday, November 2, 2012

Murder Book - Too Many Killers Spoils the Hit - J.D. Coughlan

Panel 1: Harry, a middle-aged, weather-beaten guy getting out of his car in a parking garage, grim expression on his face. He is dressed all in black.

FRANK (O.P.): Harry?

Panel 2: Harry turns to see Frank, a friend, approaching him. Frank is softer looking than Harry; doughier and more friendly despite his confused expression. He is also dressed in black.

FRANK: What the hell are you doing here at this time of night?

Panel 3:  Over Harry's shoulder. Frank, now caught up with Harry, has a shocked expression on his face.

HARRY: I, uh...

FRANK: Oh my god, you were gonna kill Bob!

Panel 4: Two-shot of Frank and Harry. In the background is a tall apartment building. Harry is feigning shock.

HARRY: What!?

FRANK: Ah, c'mon. It's no secret you want the bastard dead. The whole company does.

Panel 5: Same shot. Harry has a more serious expression. Frank looks a little guilty.

HARRY: That'll be why you're here too, then?

FRANK: The... The guy's scum and you know it.

Panel 6: Same shot. Frank offers his hand. Harry is thinking.

FRANK: Look, now we're both here, let's--

Panel 7: Long panel taking up the bottom row. Same shot, but now the building in the background has exploded. Both men look at it in surprise.




  1. A moody tense build up to a fun twist ending. The script is tight and comes at you full pace which really works for your concept and set up.

  2. Really digging this one, J.D. The situation is weirdly relatable, which makes it even funnier. And that final explosion at the end is the perfect icing on the cake in this case of miscommunication and overacting. Poor Bob.

  3. This is a great page with a setup and a nice payoff in that last panel (darkly funny too!).


Feedback is what every good writer wants and needs, so please provide it in the white box below
If you want to play along at home, feel free to put your scripts under the Why? post for the week.