I've decided to do something a little different this week. A few years ago Superman was a character. My script also starred Lex Luthor. My writing has improved since the beginning days of the site, and as such I thought I would revisit this script to try and improve it. It always struck me as far too much for one page. You can find the original page here.
1. A wide panel. We are at street level looking up at the buildings. A small boy looks up in amazement as people rush past him. He is looking at a giant robot (one that you may see in the old 1950’s sci-fi movies) smashing its arms into buildings, sending debris to the ground. What the boy cannot see is one of the robots arms has smashed the building directly above the boy, and debris is rapidly descending towards him.
2. The debris almost is hitting the ground. However, the boy is not in the panel, and a blur of red and blue streaks from one side of the panel to the other, as if something very fast has just dashed by, and we are unable to see it.
3. On top of a building, far from the robot's destruction which we can see in the distance. Superman is hovering in the air, speaking to the boy whom he has just dropped off on the rooftop.
Are you ok?
4. Superman now has his back to us as he flies in the direction of the Robot. We see his cape, the ‘S’ symbol clearly visible.
Stay here. I'll be back for you.
5. We are in a darkened room, illuminated only by the thousands of television screens which plaster the only wall we can see. From behind we can see the full body of a man, standing watching the largest of the screens. The smaller screen show news channels from around the world. The large screen shows the panel we were just looking at. However, the image is coloured green and slightly pixelated. On Superman’s left shoulder, near the “S logo”, is a bright, shining green mark. The words “OBJECTIVE COMPLETE” are written across the top of the screen.
6. We have a tight short of the man’s face. It is Lex Luthor. He has a smirk on his face.
All too easy.
Much better layout than the previous script, but I'm not sure about the angle in the first panel. It's good, shows off the robot impressively, but I don't know how you'd show the falling debris in such a way that the boy wouldn't see it.ReplyDelete
The idea is perfect for Lex: A grand scale set-up for such a small accomplishment, which presumably gives him some sort of advantage.
I feel like the first panel angling would be doable, but more globally, I agree with JD. A much sleeker page that encompasses your earlier idea in a more succinct manner. And it does feel like pretty diabolical Lex plan setup, so bonus points there.ReplyDelete
What a great writing exercise mate. It was really rather lovely to look back and see how you have grown as a writing. You shape and shift this new page in subtle but brilliant ways.ReplyDelete