Saturday, April 5, 2014

The Falcon - Now THAT's Gangsta! - R.A. Wonsowski


Panel 1 - Four "gangstas" are standing in an alley, going through their small paper bags full of cash.  For the sake of simplicity (and the script), they are, from left to right:  TOOFY, a bulky black thug about 20ish, pointing to the ill-gotten cash with his semi-automatic pistol, sporting a doo-rag, wife-beater t-shirt, MC Hammer pants, and a grill full of gold-plated teeth; HOODY, a shaved-head white guy nearing 30 that looks like he has quite a habit, wearing a hoody and baggy jeans slung mid-thigh, revealing Spider-Man boxers, and holding one of the paper sacks of cash; CAPPY, an young Asian teen wearing baggy clothes and a New York Mets baseball cap with the brim pulled to the side and tilted down, holding the other cash sack; and ESSE, a near-30 Hispanic gangster sporting a bandana around his head, bowling shirt open, and skin tight jeans, the only one aware of his surroundings, pointing at a rootop off-panel, a look of fearful surprise on his face.

HOODY:  This serious paper, yo!

TOOFY:  That's GANGsta, now, bee-yotch!

ESSE:  YoyoyoyoyoyoYO!  Eyes up, homes --

Panel 2 - Standing on a tenement roof ledge, arms akimbo and chin heroically jutted, is the FALCON (in his classic 70's red and white costume, looking down on the urban foursome.

ESSE:  (off-panel, from below) -- the m@%#er-#&$%¡ng FALCON!!!

HOODY:  (off-panel, from below) Cap his @$$!!

Panel 3 - On the left is ESSE, TOOFY is on the right.  TOOFY fires his pistol held sideways, but the shot has gone wild, as a circular inset panel reveals why: "slide-bite", which is when the slide of the semi-automatic pistol "bites" the webbing of the hand between thumb and forefinger when you hold it like a dumbass like this.  Because of this poor handling of the weapon, the shell casing has ejected from the gun upwards and right into ESSE's eye.

ESSE:  Aagk!

TOOFY:  Yowch!

Panel 4 - Background, FALCON plants his feet into the chests of TOOFY and ESSE as he lands, the gun falling from TOOFY's hand.  Foreground, CAPPY turns to run but has slammed face-first right into a lamppost that was previously obscured by the lowered sideways brim of his cap.  HOODY runs as well, but has tripped over his low-slung pants, about to faceplant into the sidewalk.  Both of their bags of cash are flying everywhere as they crash.

SoundFX (ESSE and the lamppost):  KLONG!

HOODY:  ShaaAA!!

Panel 5 - Two uniformed COPS, looking a lot like Ernie Hudson and Dan Akroyd, pile the four "gangstas" into a paddywagon, all bruised and embarrassed.  The FALCON grins and watches as he leans against the lamppost on the left side of the panel, pointing nonchalantly at the foursome.

FALCON:  Now THAT's gangsta!

OFFICER HUDSON:  If by "gangsta", you mean "dumber'n stumps"...

OFFICER AKROYD:  Five-oh in your hiz-zay, yo's...


  1. Haha. A very silly page, Ray. I take it you're not a fan of these type of gantas? :P (I like that you managed to fit in an example and explanation of slide-bite in here)

  2. Yeah,don't get me wrong, New Jack City and Ice-T's Body Count were a big part of my "urban education" But I always thought it was goofy that for a cultural touchstone that was based on being BADASSSSSSSSSSSS, the people that copy it sabotage themselves by being style-over-practicality. Reminds me of the mullet craze in the '80's, all these tough guys with longish hair band hair, and all it took was some buzzcut to grab'em by the party in the back to bring'em to their knees.

    Practicality beats style ANY day. Or as I heard one SLC cop say on the news, "he woulda got away if he just wore a belt."


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