Saturday, July 26, 2014
Komodo - Monsters - Arby Moay
We are in the West Philadelphia High School field, where a basketball game is happening between Black Jersey's and White Jersey's. A player on Black Jersey's has just scored an in-your-face dunk against a player in White Jersey's.
MELATI (OP): So... this is what you do, huh?
We see Melati Kusuma, a.k.a. Komodo, in her human form approaching Flash Thompson, a.k.a. Agent Venom, also in his human form. Both of them are in a wheelchair, Melati has a cloth covering her thighs to hide her missing legs while Flash does not. Flash is carrying a clipboard.
FLASH: Sometimes, yeah.
FLASH: Didn't think you'd actually come.
MELATI: Eh. I didn't really have anything better to do.
Back up a bit. We see Melati and Flash watch the game, with some awkward tension between them. Coach Yates, middle-aged balding guy with a mustache and Coach of Flash's school, is yelling. Some players are running across the panel.
Similar framing as Panel 3.
MELATI: Isn't this a little frustrating for you, "Coach"? I mean, you could easily outpace any of these guys in your... other form.
FLASH: Assistant coach. And sure, sometimes. But it's nice to feel like a normal human being from time to time.
Close-up on Melati. We see her full human body overlapped by her transparent Komodo form.
MELATI: Well, maybe, I dunno. I've wanted to be able to run for so long... I think I'd rather look like a monster than sit in a chair.
Close-up on Flash.
FLASH: You're lucky, then. Difference between you and me? You only need to look like a monster to run...
Close-up on Flash's left face. It is overlapped with the transparent left face of classic Venom.
FLASH: I am a monster.
Written by Unknown at 5:00 PM
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This is not a team-up I would have expected this week, but I like what you did and the comparison/contrast between the two is well-done. It's a pretty dang smart pairing.ReplyDelete
Nice use of characters, and I dig the visuals, especially the "Venom-sense."ReplyDelete
Nice use of characters Arby. My critiques are mainly with your panel descriptions. Using terms 'back up a bit' would only really be helpful to an artist if you have worked together for a while and have a synergy going. Else wise an artist may have trouble getting the look of the scene that you want. More description is needed.ReplyDelete
Also, for a talking heads script I would want to see a max of 5 panels, or you fall in danger of slowing down the pacing and loosing the reader's interest.
A nice pairing of characters for the week. You use them well to draw out the distinctions between the two.ReplyDelete
I'd agree with Ben that you could be slightly more judicious in your panel count, cutting a few pieces of dialogue to make the interaction flow a little quicker, but overall I like the thrust of the script.
Gotta admit, this is a smart, crisp script. Considering both characters are Spidey offshoots, it's a non-obvious pairing that is both logical and rife with possibilities. Great opening salvo, Arby...ReplyDelete