1 – Sitting across from each other at their table, Zan is demolishing his meal, as if he's never eaten before. Jayna watches pensively, as if she's trying to find the right words to begin a difficulty conversation. She has not touched her food.
NO COPY
2 – Jayna gives conversing a shot. Zan pauses, looking on warily at his sister.
JAYNA (1): So...
JAYNA (2): I went by your office the other day.
JAYNA (3): A-are you living out of there again?
3 – Zan puts down his fork. He doesn't make eye contact with Jayna. That said, his words put some hope and happiness on Jayna's face.
ZAN: I'm on a big case, you know.
JAYNA: Really? That's great news!
4 – Zan looks at Jayna, vitriol and combat in his eyes. Jayna deflates, realizing what's happening.
ZAN: Yeah, I'm looking for the foppy deadbeat who stole my sister.
JAYNA (1): I wish you wouldn't talk about Marvin that way.
JAYNA (2): He cares about you as much as I do.
ZAN: Is that why he keeps you all to himself?
5 - Jayna reaches for Zan's hand across the table.
JAYNA (1): Zan, we invite you over all the time.
JAYNA (2): The kids would love to see their uncle more often.
JAYNA (3) (quieter): I'd love to see my brother...
6 - Zan pulls away, angered; Jayna is hurt by his actions and words.
JAYNA (1): Why don't you come and stay with us?
JAYNA (2): Until you can get back on your feet.
ZAN: You'd love that, wouldn't you?
7 – Zan is starting to his raise voice. Other patrons might be starting to look in their direction to see what the commotion is all about.
ZAN (1): Well, I'm sick and tired of being your charity case!
ZAN (2): This is just liked when you'd say the Super Friends valued my unique contributions. I know they only kept me around for your sake!
ZAN (3): I'm not an idiot, Jayna!
8 - Zan is up on his feet. He's knocked his chair over and is outright yelling at this point. Everyone is obviously staring.
ZAN (1): I don't need you.
ZAN (2): I don't need anyone!
9 – Zan has stormed off and slammed the restaurant door. Jayna sits at her seat, stunned and crying.
NO COPY
8 - Zan is up on his feet. He's knocked his chair over and is outright yelling at this point. Everyone is obviously staring.
ZAN (1): I don't need you.
ZAN (2): I don't need anyone!
9 – Zan has stormed off and slammed the restaurant door. Jayna sits at her seat, stunned and crying.
NO COPY
Form of tears of anguish!
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness, after a couple of re-reads, there's a ton of psychological backstory and emotional weight that you pack into one page. Jayna having settled down and getting out of adventuring, Zan is lost. Him becoming a p.i. makes complete sense, shallowly filling that hole, but without powers or Jayna. Her marrying Marvin is almost as brutal, with Wendy completely out of the picture. Jayna is complete in and of herself, and Zana mere shadow of who he used to be. A master class of characterization this time around. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ray! I spent a good while ironing out the dialogue and pacing to try fit it all in.
ReplyDeleteZan's lucky that I ran out of a space for a reference to Gleek's ultimate passing, although considering how downtrodden he is, it's hard to say how big of a difference it would make.