Panel 1: Exterior.Night. A Thanagar slum. A slim, grimy, young street person pushes through shin-high filth. He is nervous, throwing furtive glances around him as he scuttles through the night.
YOUNG MAN: This is not a world for weakness.
Panel 2: The young man has stopped by a stack of crates and discarded containers. Perhaps even the Thanagarian equivalent of a dumpster. Again, he stops and glances around, wary of watchful eyes.
YOUNG MAN: This is not a world of mercy.
Panel 3: Closer focus. The young man reaches behind the stack of objects. His tongue juts out of the corner of his mouth with concentration and exertion.
YOUNG MAN: This is not a world of charity.
Panel 4: The young man straightens up, holding a small metallic box in front of him. He looks at it greedily. This is the contraband he has come for.
YOUNG MAN: This is a world of predators and prey.
Panel 5: The young man glances up in the sky. A phalanx of Thanagarian police fly over the alley, miraculously not looking down on our little criminal.
YOUNG MAN: This is a world of HAWKS.
Panel 6: The young man takes off down the alley at a run, the metallic box clutched under his arm.
YOUNG MAN: And my mother?
YOUNG MAN: She had the nerve to name me "Mouse".
I like what it looks like you're aiming for, but something about it doesn't quite click. It's probably just me being nitpicky, though.
ReplyDeleteIt definitely feels like an opening for what has the potential to be a great story. I always was a sucker for "thief as hero" stories, and I am curious as to where you'd take this one. Good set-up, Travis.
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