Panel
1
Exterior,
dusk, meadow. TRISH, a young woman dressed in a short steampunk dress
with glow stick necklaces and small LED lights woven in her hair,
stands in a meadow looking around. Spread throughout the meadow are
people in similar steampunk attire with LEDs and glowsticks. On the
edge of the meadow are tall trees. The sky is orange with the setting
sun.
1.
TRISH: The poster said "MEADOWLANDS: DUSK". Where are
they...
2.
TRISH (caption): I've never done anything like this. But I felt
pulled, compelled almost, to see them.
Panel
2
A
man in a bowler cap and three-piece suit with glowsticks and LEDs
worked into the outfit points as he shouts to the others.
3.
MAN: I see them! They're here!
4.
TRISH (caption): I was worried it had been a trick. Some sick joke.
Panel
3
An
wooden ship, held aloft by large airship style balloons and propelled
by large propellers, flies into view above the trees. The wooden ship
has speakers and large lights attached around the edges.
5.
TRISH (caption): This was no joke.
Panel
4
TRISH
looks up as the airship passes overhead. She is in complete awe of
the ship.
6.
TRISH (caption): I can feel the thrum of the propellers in my body.
Or is it bass?
Panel
5
The
crowd of steampunk-and-lit dressed people gather around the airship
as a musician stands against the railing of the ship's deck. The
musician has a guitar strapped on and a microphone in hand. He speaks
into a microphone and out through the speakers.
7.
MUSICIAN: Hello, Meadowlands! You ready to rock?
Panel
6
TRISH,
packed in tightly around people shouts up at the man with total
elation on her face.
8.
TRISH: Wooo!
9.
TRISH (caption): The electric thrill of the crowd sweeps me and the
night dissolves.
-END-
You had me at LED lights woven into her hair. It's such a small addition, but it goes a long way to help realize the world you're describing here. I think your dialogue / captions could maybe use another editorial pass / tightening, but I can look past some of that due to the LEDs. Sometimes it's the little things that make all the difference.
ReplyDelete